How to Lose Your Love Handles - and Contempt for Humanity - in Just 3 Minutes a Day

ABOVE: Why?

I was on the treadmill recently at my local YMCA, trying to get some peace, trying to have a little “Me Time” (and trying to shed a few unsightly pounds!) when I opened my eyes to check my calorie count, only to discover Anderson Cooper standing in front of me.

“Hello,” said Anderson Cooper. “I’m Anderson Cooper.”

Fuck, I thought.

It wasn’t the first time I’d seen him there. A few weeks ago, I was on an elliptical trainer when he came over and began showing me pictures of bloody Ukrainian soldiers.

“They’re running out of weapons,” he’d said.

“I know.”

“And time.”

“I know.”

“But Republicans in Congress…”

“Fuck off, Anderson,” I’d snapped. Cooper left, but Wolf Blitzer came over a few minutes later and started analyzing Trump’s electoral path to the White House.

Who let all these assholes in? I wondered. Who invited them? Who decided the gym was a good place to have network news anchors?

Lately, it seemed they were everywhere. I saw Sean Hannity one morning on the Stairmaster, shouting about Hunter Biden; Lester Holt was doing laps in the pool, talking loudly about the deficit, and I even spotted Jim Acosta in the locker room, talking to a bunch of elderly naked men about the Trump fraud trial.

But this particular morning, I could tell by the look on Anderson’s face that he had something horrible to tell me.

Fuck, I thought.

“Mass shooting,” Anderson said. “At the Super Bowl parade.”

“I heard.”

“One dead.”

“I know.”

“Single mother of two.”

“I know!”

“Twenty others injured.”

“I know, Anderson!”

“Half of the victims were children,” he said.

“I know, Andy, fuck off already!”

He sighed, took out his phone and held it in front of my face.

“Look,” he said, “at this gut-wrenching video.”

“I don’t want to look at gut-wrenching videos,” I said. “I just want to get in shape.”

“It’s a gut-wrenching video of the horrible humanitarian crisis in Gaza.”

Fuck, I thought.

I glanced at the thumbnail on his screen, relieved to have already seen it.

“I saw that one already,” I said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Did you look closely?”

“Yes.”

“Did you see the crying child in the background?”

“Yes, Anderson, I saw the crying child in the background!”

“Do you know why the child is crying?”

“Because he’s hungry.”

“Because his mother’s dead,” said Anderson. “That’s her in the foreground.”

I’d had enough.

“You aren’t helping,” I shouted. I stopped the treadmill, got off and stepped toward him. “I know you think you are, but you aren’t. I just want five minutes, okay? Five fucking minutes without your gut-wrenching videos, because I’m starting to hate mankind, Anderson, you’re making me hate mankind. You anchors are like some bizarre Ministry of Propaganda, like the cartoons in Germany depicting Jews as rats, or the posters during American Slavery depicting black men as rapists, only the object of your attack isn’t just one race or religion, no, it’s all races, all religions, all genders, all of humanity! You’re driving us to a bloody end, Anderson, can’t you see that? Don’t you care at all? I mean Jesus Christ, Anderson, is the pay that good?”

Everyone in the gym froze, dropped their weights. All eyes fell on Anderson. He took a deep breath, and adjusted his glasses.

“Yes,” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “The pay’s amazing. I’m fucking loaded.”

Without thinking, I shoved Anderson Cooper with all my might. He stumbled backward, tripped over a weight bench and fell to the ground; before he could scramble away, I grabbed him, dragged him to the front door and threw him out into the busy street where he got creamed by a speeding crosstown bus.

Everyone cheered.

But here’s the really amazing thing, fellow Fetal Positioners: I gathered myself, went back to the treadmill to get my things, and found that according to my fitness tracker, just by throwing Anderson Cooper to the ground, dragging him out of the gym and tossing him in front of a bus, I had burned almost 600 calories!

I’ve been doing the exercises that follow for a month now. My clothes are loose on me, and I’ve never had so much energy! Give them a try - bikini season is just around the corner!

The Tucker Carlson Slam:

Many people do this with a medicine ball, which is great for the chest and arms, but I find that using a Tucker Carlson works the entire body.

To begin, place a Tucker Carlson on the gym floor and, engaging your glutes and hamstrings, lift him directly overhead. Pause here a moment – no cheating! - pull in your core, and, focusing on engaging your lats and obliques, slam the Tucker Carlson onto the hardwood with as much force as possible. Aim for three sets of eight repetitions.

Note: A medicine ball bounces more than a Tucker Carlson, so go slow and work your way up.

Amanpour Jumps:

You’ve probably seen the traditional version of this performed with a crate or box, but I find that jumping onto a Christian Amanpour makes it much more challenging.

Lay the Amanpour on her back, stand about a foot away, and on your exhale, jump onto her with both feet, being sure to land on your heels.

Keep in mind that the first few reps will be more difficult than they would be with an inanimate box or crate, but an Amanpour will flinch as you land on her, adding a balance challenge.

Once she is non-responsive, try to pick up your pace.

The Hannity Sledgehammer Drill:

For this exercise, you will need one sledgehammer and one Sean Hannity. Place the Sean Hannity on the floor, and position yourself directly in front of him. Lift the sledgehammer overhead, and bring it down on the Sean Hannity with as much force as possible. Using a Hannity makes this exercise more difficult than using the traditional truck tire, as there’s much less rebound with a Hannity, or any pudgy news anchor.

Maintain a brisk pace, and aim to strike the Hannity forty times per minute.

The Blitzer Carry:

This is a difficult exercise for advanced trainees only, but beginners are welcome to try it with a slimmer anchor, like a Megyn Kelly or a Ben Shapiro. You will need one Wolf Blitzer, one ten-story building and a lot of core strength!

Begin in the lobby of the building, with the Blitzer in a seated position. Stand facing him, legs shoulder-width apart and, using your glutes and back, lift the Blitzer up drape him over your shoulder like a traditional Fireman’s Carry (this may be easier if your Blitzer is bound or in some way chemically sedated). Now, engaging your core, make your way to the emergency stairway and begin to climb, paying specific attention to your balance and pace. When you reach the top of the stairs – you’ll be feeling it in those quads now! – continue onto the roof, and, using your deltoids and triceps, throw your Blitzer over the edge.

See you at the beach.

Yours in the fetal position,

S.