We’re Way Past Heroin Here

A cry for prescription help

Dear Dr. _________________;

I am writing to you because the _____________ pills, ____________ capsules and anti-____________ tablets you prescribed for me some time ago aren’t nearly strong enough for the extreme fucked-upness of the world at this moment, nor is the street ________________ I acquired by ________ a stranger’s  _____________ in the parking lot behind the 24-hour ___________ .

Using the dirty needle he gave me probably wasn’t a good idea either.

But look around, Doc - wars, elections, climate change, “screenagers,” Elon Musk – we’re way past heroin here.

I hereby request a new drug, some real “Keep Out Of Reach Of Children” shit, based on the criteria indicated below.

1: I am experiencing the following symptoms (circle all that apply):

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Nausea

• Growing suspicion that Bin Laden may have had a point

• And that the Unabomber wasn’t totally wrong

• Inability to fall asleep

• Having fallen asleep, inability to wake

• Disappearing into bottomless pits of despair for:

            • An hour

            • A day

           • October

            • The foreseeable future

• Considering becoming politically active

• Signing petitions

• Reading editorials

• “What about Canada, Hon? Canada seems nice…”

• Moving through the world as if in a terrible dream, uncertain of where I am and where I am going, lost as if in a dark wood with no beginning and no end, only to realize at once that I am in fact awake, at which point I scream and pass out, only to repeat the whole thing again once I come to.

• Praying. You know - to fucking God.

• Thoughts of self-harm

• Thoughts of harming others, including but not limited to:

            • Republicans

            • Democrats

            • Conservatives

            • Liberals

            • CEOs

            • Billionaires

            • People with yachts

            • Golfers

            • Cybertrucks

            • Bret Baier

            • Jake Tapper

            • Sean Hannity

            • Anderson Cooper

            • The View

            • You, Doc. You.

2: I would like the new drug to provide me with (circle all that apply):

• A modicum of joy

• A moment of peace

• A millisecond of silence

• A sliver of hope

• A glimmer of optimism

• A ghost of a chance

• A bit of relief

• A semblance of security

• A smidge of confidence

• An iota of positivity

• A scrap of energy

• A scintilla of vigor

• A chance of redemption

• A semi of an erection

3: Side effects I am willing to suffer:

• All

4: Form of ingestion:

• Any

5: Approved for human use by the FDA:

• Not specifically, no.

I appreciate your quick response/prescription.

If you phone and I don’t answer, it’s only because I’m in the bunker.

If you phone and I answer but you can’t understand me, it’s because I have a gun in my mouth.

If you phone and the line has been disconnected, it’s because I’ve been watching the news and you’re too late.

Yours in the fetal position,

(Sign here)

illustrations by orli auslander