The Bullshit Diet

My New Year’s Resolution

It is customary at New Year’s to make resolutions - to commit, this coming year, to cease our most destructive, self-harming behaviors. Some quit smoking, some give up drink.

This year, I’m going on a diet.

A bullshit diet.

I am determined, this coming year, no matter how difficult it might be, to reduce my daily intake of bullshit. I don’t know what the maximum daily allowance of bullshit is, but I’m pretty sure we all exceed it these days by an unhealthy degree.

And so, I urge you, to join me.

It’s not going to be easy. Bullshit is everywhere. It’s almost impossible to avoid. Bullshit is like gluten (something else I can’t stomach) – sometimes you don’t even realize you’ve consumed it until you find yourself doubled-over in pain, wondering why everything hurts. Bullshit can be read, heard, seen. It can be ingested via emails, texts, films, books, news, magazines. Bullshit is a growing industry, and bullshitters are everywhere. I dream of a world where everything that contains bullshit is clearly marked - “Warning: Contains Bullshit” - so we would know to avoid it, but I suppose that sort of regulation would have to be instituted by our leaders, who without bullshit would be out of a job themselves. Big Bullshit will never allow it to pass.

As for the diet itself - I wish I could tell you what to avoid, specifically, but bullshit is personal. What’s bullshit for me might not be bullshit for you. Keep in mind, though: friends and family are tremendous sources of bullshit, and you may feel that their bullshit is something you just have to put up with. But it isn’t, and you don’t. There’s no need to be rude. A simple “I’m sorry, I’m trying to cut down on bullshit,” will suffice, or a polite “Is that bullshit? Because I’m trying to quit.”

Try The Bullshit Diet - for yourself, for your loved ones. Bullshit can cause stress, anxiety, disease. I’m convinced most forms of cancer are bullshit in origin: bullshit jobs, bullshit relatives, bullshit strivings after bullshit possessions. In a hundred years, I imagine the breakthrough announcement: “Cause For All Diseases Found: Bullshit.” Cancers, joint diseases, heart diseases, blood disorders, tics, twitches, spasms, cramps, eye floaters. Upon arrival at the physician’s office, the nurse will hand you a “Bullshit Scale” like they do now with their “Pain Scale.”

“On a scale of one to ten,” he will ask, “how much bullshit would you say you consume?”

“Nine,” the patient will respond. “No, wait – ten.”

“Well, see, that’s the problem right there...”

The most difficult part of the diet, though, for me as it will be for all, is to not contribute to the bullshit ourselves. To listen to what we say to others, to be aware of how we speak, to be honest about our own opinions, actions, drives, desires, angers, fears.

This will all take work.

Sooner or later, we’ll stumble.

Bullshit will find its way in, and it will leave us sad and hopeless and distressed. But don’t give up. And remember, after all, there is a remedy. An ancient remedy, passed down through the generations, and someday when a “Bullshit Warning Label” becomes a reality, it will include, at the bottom, in bright red letters, the following advice:

In case of consumption, laugh.

As George Bernard Shaw wrote: “My way of joking is to tell the truth: It is the funniest joke in the world.”

Thanks for reading.

Thanks for laughing.

Happy New Year.

Yours in the fetal position,

S.

illustrations by orli auslander