Triple Homicide in a German Men’s Room

My faith in humanity has been restored.

We hear so much these days about division and dissent and differences that I thought I’d share with you a triple homicide I was involved in yesterday that really perked me up - a miracle of sorts, really, to soothes one’s heart in these turbulent times.

I was on a layover in Frankfurt, Germany, waiting for my connecting flight to Italy, when nature called, rather insistently. It was only a few minutes to boarding, but I had no choice and hurried into a nearby restroom.

Alas, not only were all three stalls occupied, but a German businessman was already waiting ahead of me - and, I surmised from his air of impatience, had been for some time. His arms were crossed tightly across his chest, and he tapped his foot impatiently on the tile floor.

Tap, tap, tap, tap.

“Waiting long?” I asked, my innards in desperate need of relief.

The man spoke no English and I no German, but when I pointed to my imaginary wristwatch, he nodded in the affirmative, rolled his eyes and shouted something at the men in the stalls I can only assume was an exhortation to hurry up.

There was no reply.

Tap, tap, tap, tap.

I thought to leave - I had a plane to catch, after all – but nature’s call had only grown and grown, and besides, I figured, there were three stalls – someone had to come out soon.

But I was wrong.

Minutes ticked by like days.

The pressure built in my trembling bowels.

I tried the doors to let the people inside know we were waiting.

Nothing.

Not a “I’ll be out in a second” cough, not a flush, not a tearing of toilet paper.

Tap, tap, tap, tap.

What kind of person does this? I fumed. Who the fuck goes into a public restroom and just parks themselves on a toilet for hours on end? Were they dead? Were they territorial? What’s become of mankind? About even shitting have we descended into selfishness?

I racked my brain for any possible explanation...

My phone pinged in my pocket, alerting me to the impending departure of my flight…

Tap, tap, tap, tap…

And suddenly, in that moment, I knew. I knew without a doubt why they were in there so long, and I knew what they were doing, and it made me furious.

And that’s when the miracle happened.

I said a word.

One. Single. Word.

A word that needed no translation, no interpretation.

And with that single word, I went from despising our species to having something like, dare I say it, hope.

Because though me and this German businessman were from different nations, different generations; though we spoke different languages; though eighty years ago, he’d be locking me in a gas chamber and raping my wife — here, with that one word, we came together, united by that word, empathizing through that word, understanding through that word — the only word that could possibly explain what was going on: