Lines: A Beginner’s Guide

Part 1 of my new series, “How To Be A Human Fucking Being”

When you first encounter what we human beings call “a line,” it can be confusing and even a little intimidating. One person standing patiently behind the other, waiting in the order in which they arrived? It’s strange. Your mind, having never encountered such a thing before, races with questions:

What is this thing?

How does it work?

How come I’m not at the front of it?

Should I simply stand behind the last person on the line, or should I go to the front and cut them all off?

Well, The Fetal Position is here to help. First of all, don’t feel bad - you’re not the only person who doesn’t know how the fuck a fucking line works. Lately it seems almost nobody knows what a line is for, or why their special ass should have to wait on one. So let’s start at the beginning.

The way a line works is this: one person arrives. That person is known as “First.” They are the “first person” on the line. Whatever the line is for, the “first person” on the line will be the first person to attain or receive it. But here’s where it gets tricky. Because after a moment or two, a second person may arrive, seeking the very same thing the person we now know as “First.” They might even want it more than the first person! So where does this person go? If you said, “First, because they’re so very special,” you were wrong. The answer is “Behind the person who is first even though they really, really want to be first themselves.”

Don’t feel bad if you got that wrong. Lines are hard!

All you need to know about lines is this: People line up in the order in which they arrived. So imagine you’re on line at, say, oh, I don’t know – the check-in counter at Los Angeles International Airport last Monday afternoon, or maybe it’s rush hour this morning and you’re approaching the ramp that leads from the 10 to the 405. So many other people waiting, and all of them aren’t you! Grr! Why should you have to wait? You’re you, and they’re not!

Here’s a simple mnemonic you can use the next time you arrive at a line: “W.A.I.T.”

WAIT stands for Why are you being an Asshole, It’s not like any of us want To be here either.

Remember: “Waiting in Line” is a critical skill of human beings, and one of the basic building blocks of a decent society. If you’d like to see what life would be like without it, I suggest you visit the check-in counter at Los Angeles International Airport, or maybe the ramp that leads from the 10 to the 405.

Q: What do I do if the line is very slow moving?

A: That’s a great question. The answer is you wait.

Q: But I’m late.

A: We’re all late.

Q: So I’m not special?

A: No.

Q: What if I’m physically attractive? Do the line rules contain exceptions for people who think they’re hot?

A: No, they do not.

Q: What if I tut with annoyance and shift my weight and mutter obscenities. Will that help?

A: No, it will not.

Q: In a traffic line situation, can I cut the line if I’m driving an expensive car? I like to think that my shallow materialism, mindless susceptibility to marketing and desperate need for external validation offer me some special privilege.

A: They don’t.

Q: If I don’t like waiting on line, what can I do?

A: You can get there earlier, asshole.

And that’s it!

Pretty simple, huh!

If you have any other questions about lines, or how lines work, feel free to reach out to me.

I won’t answer you, because you’re a dick, but just endlessly waiting for me to answer you could be good practice for a real-life line situation.

Up next in the “How To Be A Human Fucking Being” series: “Excuse Me.”  You’re blocking the aisle at some public space, wrapped up in yourself or checking your Instafeed, when the person trying to get past politely says, “Excuse me.” What do you do? Glare at them? Turn your shoulder slightly, almost imperceptibly, which doesn’t actually let them by? Or do you just ignore them because, hey, this aisle at Trader Joe’s is yours! The surprising answer, next!

Yours in the fetal position,

S.

NOTE: If you live in Los Angeles, my deepest condolences. On the plus side, you can come to Book Soup, on Wed July 24th at 7PM, where I’ll be reading from FEH and begging, once more, for your money.

Illustration by Orli Auslander