A Final (Delicious) Solution

I don't usually delve into the seedy world of politics, but it is clear to me that our nation is facing two dire existential threats, threats so real and immediate that I cannot remain silent. One is dog-eating Haitians, and the other is Non-Trump Voting Jews. They would seem to be insoluble problems: bomb threats haven’t stopped the voracious Haitians, and thousand of years of oppression haven’t stopped the dirty Jews.

And so I propose here a rather ingenious solution:

Let the Haitians eat Jews.

It sounds almost too simple a plan, but that’s the beauty of it. I am not a operations guy, but it seems like all we would have to do is kill all the Jews, chop up the meat, mold it into the approximate shapes of common household pets, and leave them on the streets of Haitian communities. In a matter of days, life could return to normal and everyone wins.

The citizens of our fair American towns and villages could go back to their normal once-great lives, not having to worry that their pets will be eaten by Haitians, or that the 2.4% of the population that are Jews will decide the outcome of the Presidential election.

The Haitians, meanwhile? Well, they will be better fed than ever, and not have to lick their lips every time a kitten prances by.

Yes, you ask, but what about the Jews? Won’t they all be dead?

Yes, we will.

And good riddance to all of you.

Yours in the fetal position,

S.

illustrations by orli auslander