To Whom It May Concern; I am writing to you because a friend sent me a link to a recent article by Franklin Foer about how everyone hates Jews and we’re all fucked (I’m paraphrasing). My friend was terrified by the article, and he thought he’d share that terror with me and the other dozen or so lucky Jews on the email list. To be sure, Foer’s is not the only article about how we Jews are terrified these days, but Franklin’s a better writer than most, so I am now as certain as my friend that
Definitely more of an edge than Mel Brooks. But things are getting serious now. I’m a shiksa married to a Jew from Plainview New York.
At 74 he is still trying to recover from Hebrew School banality and his war monger rabbis touting the annihilation of the Gooks in Vietnam.
Religion only creates more fear and hate. We are in the thick of it and hope that the camps don’t happen again I am worried that everything I grew up with will be taken away, but Christian Nationalist Facsists are on the march. Remember that more people have been killed in Jesus’s name than any other. How the Jesus message on paper is continuously misrepresented to allow murder and control is beyond me.
If Texas doesn't suit you, Wisconsin might. Come here. I promise my dog won't accidentally lick your balls, but yours certainly is invited to. And Orli and I can cook the shit out of some food for you, to fuel your insanely wonderful comedic mind.
Not true! We Texans are a very friendly people. When’s the last time you heard about a riot or a protest march in Texas? We’re all too busy working and mowing our grass.
I’m promising you I won’t let them take a kosher hot dog, let alone my friends, my neighbor, the kids I grew up with or my four grandnephews and a grandniece and their mothers - or you.
Poor God. He/she/it turns his face for one fucking second--probably just to look at something nice, like egrets nesting, or a fluffy little baby flamingo--and shit goes down, and then everyone blames him for turning his face. Typical. I guess he should have left the nanny cam on while turning his face. Though maybe some cheeseburger-eating jerk threw their pickle at it and he couldn't see what was going on through the lard splatter.
Ah yes, nothing quite like The Atlantic on anything foreign policy related to kick off the fight or flight instinct (for me it's flight... from the Atlantic)
I like The Atlantic, to be honest, and I wish that the problem was one magazine or website. But "if it bleeds, it leads" has been a saw in journalism for a long time. With the catastrophe of 24/7 news and social media, though, we've reached a point where the leads will soon be causing the bleeds.
I hear your broader point, and I’ve enjoyed many Atlantic articles on culture. But I find the Atlantic too interventionist for my taste. Going back to “Operation Iraqi Freedom” I don’t recall a war or US led military operation that it wasn’t pushing for. The writing is eloquent though, I’ll give it that
I think the Atlantic singlehandedly spun me into Second Civil War Panic during the 2020 transition. But damn, they did spin a fine apolcayptic tale if ever there was one.
Loved this! And look surely there's a middle ground, not everything has to be a holocaust, and let's face it, not everyone are gonna live up to the German standard.
2. When my Norwegian sister-in-law asked me, when all witnesses were safely out of the room, why Jews are such terrible people, to my shame my eyes welled up. Not because I cared what she thought, but because she proved my parents were right. Then a couple of years later, one of my oldest friends cut me off because I refused to believe the Mossad killed the Kennedys. Then two years later, when another good friend told me she had just read Isaiah and I asked her what she had learned, she said, "That all evil on earth is the fault of the Jews." Now, I grew up watching the same films as you did, "Your past and your future." I live now deep in the Maine woods, because the ones who escaped the death camps lived in the woods. When I saw my house on Google maps I lost all illusion of safety. When push comes to shove, the deer and the snowshoe hare will not protect us. Why should they, we don't protect them.
My take on this is, get everything done now that you were put on earth to do. Achieve what you can't bear to die without having achieved. Because God didn't look away, evil is part of life, suffering is part of life, an excess of any sephira on the tree leads to imbalance and evil, and when people get scared they look for a scapegoat and we, the Chosen People, were chosen to be the world's scapegoat. Make hay while you can. Eat chocolate. I agree about the cheeseburger with bacon and a shake, but I would think if you're going to have something really delicious you could do better than McDonalds, just have something delicious, whether or not it's trafe. The sinning is in not living while you have the chance. We've hit the yellow light. Gun the engine before it turns red.
I get it, Shelah. There were the kids, when I was young, who shot at me with BB guns while shouting "Beanie Boy!" There was the Marine in full camo who asked if would show him my Jew horns. The problem with all this, though, is the same problem as we see in the media - we remember the shocking, we remember the frightening. But I don't remember the thousands and thousands of people and incidents of my life in which nobody cared that I was a Jew, or never said a bad word about it or (gasp) admired it. When I see news about a threat against a synagogue - or a Mosque, or a black church - I try to remind myself this is a planet with billions of people on it, and billions of good and kind things happen every day that we never hear about or even notice ourselves. Like I said - maybe the end IS nigh. But it's been nigh since I was kid.
This breakdown in trustworthiness bothers me. I’m not a fan of Netanyahu, nor am I enamored by the actions against the Gaza Strip residents. As a Native American, I’m sensitive to people treating people as disposable detritus in the way of progress. But blasting away at malnourished children takes my breath away. We as individuals can have a disagreement and negotiate a time out,right? Otherwise you create enemies with a desire for revenge and a willingness to “win” at any cost. It hurts.
I wish this comments section had emojis. Sad face. Laughing face. Worried face. Horrified face. Weeping face. Wry face. Sunflower. Heart with sparkles.
The iPhones are necessary for the Orthodox Shuffle. As you walk out of shul on a Saturday, one hand reaches up to take off the kippah, and the other hand reaches into your jacket to get out the iPhone.
I’d laugh if it wasn’t so awful. Instead of bunking I choose the forest. Just saw an amazing documentary called Four Winters about the Jewish resistance.
Hilarious with a serious message. Thank you for making me laugh and feel lighter. Hard to do in an essay about a second Holocaust, but you did it.
Absolutely funny as hell; only you and Mel Brooks could make the holocaust funny. Thanks for this.
Definitely more of an edge than Mel Brooks. But things are getting serious now. I’m a shiksa married to a Jew from Plainview New York.
At 74 he is still trying to recover from Hebrew School banality and his war monger rabbis touting the annihilation of the Gooks in Vietnam.
Religion only creates more fear and hate. We are in the thick of it and hope that the camps don’t happen again I am worried that everything I grew up with will be taken away, but Christian Nationalist Facsists are on the march. Remember that more people have been killed in Jesus’s name than any other. How the Jesus message on paper is continuously misrepresented to allow murder and control is beyond me.
And that murder even includes Jesus. Can't win, huh?
You could come stay with us instead. It's a small rural place in Texas. All my neighbors are armed to the gills, they'll protect you :) !
If Texas doesn't suit you, Wisconsin might. Come here. I promise my dog won't accidentally lick your balls, but yours certainly is invited to. And Orli and I can cook the shit out of some food for you, to fuel your insanely wonderful comedic mind.
So are you saying your dog will intentionally lick my balls?
Can my family come too? 🙏
Texas? It's a trap, CK.
Not true! We Texans are a very friendly people. When’s the last time you heard about a riot or a protest march in Texas? We’re all too busy working and mowing our grass.
Come to Maine. Up here, even the hippies have guns. You'll be well protected.
I’m promising you I won’t let them take a kosher hot dog, let alone my friends, my neighbor, the kids I grew up with or my four grandnephews and a grandniece and their mothers - or you.
"I won't let them take a kosher hot dog" is up there with "I regret that I have but one life yadda yadda." But way better.
Poor God. He/she/it turns his face for one fucking second--probably just to look at something nice, like egrets nesting, or a fluffy little baby flamingo--and shit goes down, and then everyone blames him for turning his face. Typical. I guess he should have left the nanny cam on while turning his face. Though maybe some cheeseburger-eating jerk threw their pickle at it and he couldn't see what was going on through the lard splatter.
"I look away for one lousy minute..."
🙂 “Be not deceived. God is not mocked. What you sow, you shall reap.” 🙂
I love you, Shalom Auslander (but you knew that already).
This is essential. You are essential.
Thank you
Ditto, toots, you said it! That's my unwavering response to Mr. Auslander, and somebody always beats me to it.
How you consistently pull off funny and heartbreaking all at once is a mystery. But you do. Very glad I found this Substack, Shalom Thank you.
This is much better than playing fantasy dinner party. X
Ah yes, nothing quite like The Atlantic on anything foreign policy related to kick off the fight or flight instinct (for me it's flight... from the Atlantic)
I like The Atlantic, to be honest, and I wish that the problem was one magazine or website. But "if it bleeds, it leads" has been a saw in journalism for a long time. With the catastrophe of 24/7 news and social media, though, we've reached a point where the leads will soon be causing the bleeds.
I hear your broader point, and I’ve enjoyed many Atlantic articles on culture. But I find the Atlantic too interventionist for my taste. Going back to “Operation Iraqi Freedom” I don’t recall a war or US led military operation that it wasn’t pushing for. The writing is eloquent though, I’ll give it that
I think the Atlantic singlehandedly spun me into Second Civil War Panic during the 2020 transition. But damn, they did spin a fine apolcayptic tale if ever there was one.
The Atlantic does seem to publish its share of doom articles.
“'And if you assimilate,' the message was, 'you’re going to cause another Holocaust.'”
You can also kill your parents by wanking. True fact.
Loved this! And look surely there's a middle ground, not everything has to be a holocaust, and let's face it, not everyone are gonna live up to the German standard.
1. We had the same parents.
2. When my Norwegian sister-in-law asked me, when all witnesses were safely out of the room, why Jews are such terrible people, to my shame my eyes welled up. Not because I cared what she thought, but because she proved my parents were right. Then a couple of years later, one of my oldest friends cut me off because I refused to believe the Mossad killed the Kennedys. Then two years later, when another good friend told me she had just read Isaiah and I asked her what she had learned, she said, "That all evil on earth is the fault of the Jews." Now, I grew up watching the same films as you did, "Your past and your future." I live now deep in the Maine woods, because the ones who escaped the death camps lived in the woods. When I saw my house on Google maps I lost all illusion of safety. When push comes to shove, the deer and the snowshoe hare will not protect us. Why should they, we don't protect them.
My take on this is, get everything done now that you were put on earth to do. Achieve what you can't bear to die without having achieved. Because God didn't look away, evil is part of life, suffering is part of life, an excess of any sephira on the tree leads to imbalance and evil, and when people get scared they look for a scapegoat and we, the Chosen People, were chosen to be the world's scapegoat. Make hay while you can. Eat chocolate. I agree about the cheeseburger with bacon and a shake, but I would think if you're going to have something really delicious you could do better than McDonalds, just have something delicious, whether or not it's trafe. The sinning is in not living while you have the chance. We've hit the yellow light. Gun the engine before it turns red.
I get it, Shelah. There were the kids, when I was young, who shot at me with BB guns while shouting "Beanie Boy!" There was the Marine in full camo who asked if would show him my Jew horns. The problem with all this, though, is the same problem as we see in the media - we remember the shocking, we remember the frightening. But I don't remember the thousands and thousands of people and incidents of my life in which nobody cared that I was a Jew, or never said a bad word about it or (gasp) admired it. When I see news about a threat against a synagogue - or a Mosque, or a black church - I try to remind myself this is a planet with billions of people on it, and billions of good and kind things happen every day that we never hear about or even notice ourselves. Like I said - maybe the end IS nigh. But it's been nigh since I was kid.
Notability bias is a thing.
And morons are notable.
Thank you, that was beautiful.
This breakdown in trustworthiness bothers me. I’m not a fan of Netanyahu, nor am I enamored by the actions against the Gaza Strip residents. As a Native American, I’m sensitive to people treating people as disposable detritus in the way of progress. But blasting away at malnourished children takes my breath away. We as individuals can have a disagreement and negotiate a time out,right? Otherwise you create enemies with a desire for revenge and a willingness to “win” at any cost. It hurts.
I wish this comments section had emojis. Sad face. Laughing face. Worried face. Horrified face. Weeping face. Wry face. Sunflower. Heart with sparkles.
The words are so much better.
Use your ferschugene WORDS, Esme!
This made me wonder what the Holocaust 2 Museum will collect and display.
The last remnants of humanity.
I was thinking iPhones but you’re probably right.
I was going with iPhones, too.
"Never Again" bumper stickers
The iPhones are necessary for the Orthodox Shuffle. As you walk out of shul on a Saturday, one hand reaches up to take off the kippah, and the other hand reaches into your jacket to get out the iPhone.
Godless heretics! I have an Android phone.
This piece is brilliant!!!
I’d laugh if it wasn’t so awful. Instead of bunking I choose the forest. Just saw an amazing documentary called Four Winters about the Jewish resistance.
But you have to laugh because it IS so awful!