Everyone Is Awesome, Except for Everyone That Isn't Me

Lessons from the LEGO Everyone is Awesome (#40516) building set

It began joyfully enough:

"Construct your own tribute to positivity and kindness," read the Product Description on the Amazon page, "with this LEGO Everyone is Awesome (#40516) building set."

The page cheered me. The set was so simple, so positive, so innocent, that I couldn’t help but smile.

“Maybe,” I thought, “there is hope for us yet!”

Like many who find ourselves in the fetal position, I’ve grown tired of the endless divisions between us human beings, of our relentless focus on what makes us different as opposed to what makes us the same. The LEGO Everyone is Awesome (#40516) building set seemed, at last, like a bright, colorful step in the right direction.

"Presented in a spectrum of colors," the item description read, "this buildable display includes 11 monochrome minifigures against a rainbow backdrop. Each minifigure features its own color scheme with matching hairpiece, showcasing the diversity we see in the world around us. Display your model with pride to show that although we are all different, we join together in a celebration of inclusivity and love."

I smiled.

"Yes," I thought. “Everyone is awesome!"

And 700 people had given it five stars!

My heart soared.

And then I decided to read the reviews.

For anyone trying to hate people less, this is an extremely ill-advised idea.

“Robert P.” liked the set, and gave it an enthusiastic five stars. But an anonymous Amazon Customer - let’s call him “Jesus” - gave it just one.

“If you are going to promote peoples beliefs why not be fair and do a Noah's Ark set?” Jesus demanded. “When are these companies going to learn that you don't have to try to appeal to everybody's ideology.”

I tried not to get down on Jesus, but I wasn’t sure he had really thought this out; he demands that his ideology be appealed to, which is exactly the course of action his very next sentence denounces. To make matters worse, mood-wise, I had totally missed the whole rainbow/gay thing until Jesus pointed it out. I merely saw a Lego set promoting people, not gay people. Lego Minifigs don’t have genitals, to say nothing of free will - but here was this Jesus guy turning the LEGO Everyone is Awesome (#40516) building into some sort of red/blue political thing. Jesus wasn’t being particularly awesome, and he wasn’t the only one:

What opinions? That people are awesome? That’s controversial to you?

And FORTY-THREE people found that helpful?

Who the fuck found that helpful?

The next reviewer, “Dlouisezy,” moved on from religion – she liked the set, but took issue - because issue must always be taken - with the condition of the box. Dlouisezy may have had a genuine complaint, but Jesus had already pissed me off.

"Any seller of Lego,”  Dlouisezy wrote, “should understand this and be willing to offer a discount."

Chill the fuck out, Dlouisezy, I thought. It’s a fucking Lego set saying everyone is awesome, isn’t that enough for you? Who gives a fuck about the fucking box? I looked up Dlouisezy’s other reviews. Here's Dlouisezy complaining about the paint in a paint-by-numbers kit:

Are you shitting me, Dlouisezy? The PAINT didn’t stick to the CANVAS? You’re complaining about the quality of paint in a shitty paint-by-numbers set?

"Why are both boys blue,” another anonymous Amazon reviewer wondered about the Everyone Is Awesome set, “and purple and pink both girls? Seems sort of contrary to the spirit of the inclusivity it's promoting."

"The black one is a girl," Mary S. replied. "But I guess they don’t count to you?"

Who doesn’t count, Mary? Girls? Black people? Frankly I wasn't sure the black minifig was a girl at all; I have similar hair and I'm a man, or something like one:

Also, was the black minifig an African-American minifig? Or was it just a minifig that was colored black? Because if the black minifig is African-American, what is the red one? Or the purple one? Or the yellow one? We were skating on thin cultural ice, and now “Haley” poured gasoline on the fire:

"You’re literally gendering featureless dolls based on the length of their hair," she answered Phil, "and then complaining about the thing you’ve made up."

This was true, Haley, but then Mary (whom Haley was agreeing with) had also gendered a featureless doll based on the length of her hair, and she also raced (racified?) her (him?) by suggesting that the color of the minifig represented race.

"Will this help brainwash our kids?" someone sniped.

"Only if you have a dirty brain," someone answered.

“Will this help groom my kid? snarked another.

"Only you can do that," came the reply.

The bitterness and rancor got to me.

A few minutes earlier I had been filled with hope for mankind, and now, one Amazon page later, I was filled with nothing but contempt. It was pretty obvious that nobody was awesome, and everyone sucked. And so now, in full judgement mode, it didn’t take much to get me to join in the hate:

"It could of been newer," wrote someone named Liberty.

"Of?" I raged over a simple grammatical mistake. "Of, Liberty? It could of been newer? Are you fucking serious? What are you, five???"

The truth is Liberty might well have been five, but I didn’t care. I hated Liberty. I wanted Liberty banned. Liberty was the cause of all mankind's problems.

Assholes, I thought.

Of everyone.

Of them and of you and of me.

After just a few minutes on the Everyone is Awesome page, I was back in that dark place, the place I've been trying to escape, that dark place of Everyone is a Fucking Dick.

I condemned.

I judged.

And then, just as I was about to slam my laptop shut in disgust for all mankind, something at the bottom of the page caught my eye, an item in the Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought list:

It was a Lego minifig of Statler, the bitter fuck on the Muppet Show who sat in judgement of all who passed before him.

And I smiled.

I laughed - at us, at myself.

Because that's the way we are, aren’t we? We’re Statlers. We sit in judgement, the harsher the better.

Maybe that’s because we’ve modeled ourselves on a God who sits in bitter judgement Himself, ignoring his own myriad failings and shortcomings, of course. Or maybe this is a vestige of our simian tribalistic origins. Or maybe we’re just assholes. I don’t know why, I just know I’m tired of it.

I’m as harsh a judge as anyone. But at the very least, when I was younger, I prided myself on that. These days, it troubles me, and I’m trying to stop.

So I clicked on Statler, added him to my cart, clicked “Buy Now” and had him shipped to me 2-Day Express. When he gets here, I’m going to keep him near me. I’m going to stand him up on my nightstand at night, and beside my computer during the day. And I’m going to try not to be like him. Fuck Statler.

What Would Fozzie Bear Do?

Perhaps Lego was being a bit optimistic with this set.

Perhaps the more accurate name for this Lego set would have been "Everyone Could Be Awesome."

We probably won’t be.

But we could be.

And someday we might be.

Even if we aren’t just yet.

Hey, it's a start.

Yours in the fetal position,

S.

Site illustrations by Orli Auslander