As you know, it’s been a difficult few years for our project. Morale was suffering, and motivation was low. We were beginning to lose our sense of purpose. We decided to gather some data, as much data as we could, and we took that data to our data analysis team, who reported back that the data pointed to a simple, actionable solution: savage beatings.
Thank you so much! At long last, a supernova at the end of the tunnel, so what if it’s ultimately a black hole, it’s one quick way out of all this anxiety, depression, indirection, impotence and hideously low self-esteem. My only complaint is, why’d it take you so damn long?
I love the idea of improving morale with brutal violence, but no self-respecting HR department would use the word "savage," which is very problematic--one might even say imperialistic and racist.
Perhaps you could change this to "strenuous" beatings. Or "dynamic" beatings.
Gotta tell you, Emmeleigh, the world is so fucked up right now that I spent the last ten minutes furious that someone suggested "savage" was racist. In my defense, I was recently advised that my use of "crippling fear" could be offensive to the disabled. Or the differently-abled. Or Wheelchair-Americans, I honestly don't fucking know anymore and I don't know who's making these decisions. (PS - if you were serious, don't tell me. It will cause me crippling depression. And fuck off)
I love your response. My sister was a quadriplegic. She and we in the family would not have survived without a deep, delicious appreciation for dark humor.
Speaking as a cripple... we police language too much and we teach people that being upset and offended is bad, and that it trumps everything. Honestly, F#*k what they think.
I'm over everything being offensive, and calling everything abalist. For me I finally had enough when they started calling curtain halloween costumes abalist. Hey want to dress an an oompa loompa go for it, want to be Steven Hawkins cool.
I'm not commenting on your use of the word (especially in a memo about beating staff for higher morale lol), but I just wanted to say that I remember that growing up I learned that Native Americans would be called savages which is not a great thing. But I never associated the word itself with being racist. Just that the people were racist, and that it was a terrible use of the descriptor. As far as the word itself, purely a descriptor to be applied to various situations (not just people). But I was trying to research the history of frogs becoming "frog kings" in stories a few weeks ago, and I found this book called Myth, Ritual, and Religion by Andrew Lang written in 1887, and oh boy was I surprised at the way he was throwing around the word.
I think the context of use and intent are huge parts we ignore now with words. We deem a word as offensive and then using it in any way becomes a crime.
We used to be able to think critically and listen now we pride ourselves on being victims and attacking people personally for their opinions.
Shalom, as a distinguished humorist, you must know that satire would be voided of all of its power to provoke and surprise if it were to announce itself as satire. Any good jokester would respond to queries about their seriousness with a poker-faced refusal to admit tomfoolery.
With that said, I am completely, 100% serious and irony-free. No jokes or japes on Substack.
“All indicators are projecting upward, ushering in climactic solutions at ever-increasing speed,” Juliette insisted. “Is there anything else I can provide in order to achieve production goals in the allotted time frame?”
“We need,” he stammered, “to move the goalposts just a bit further downfield.”
“Ok. Just give me time to consult with—oh, my God—the heavily involved department heads!”
In the dim light of their afterglow…no, wait, that was the lighting flickering on in adjacent office buildings. She wished smoking was allowed. She wished she actually knew how to smoke. “How are you feeling?” she asked.
“Totally, completely, thoroughly optimized,” he mumbled. “And sleepy. But we better get back to work.”
“Not until I’m at least as optimized as you are,” she growled.
No can do, Emmeleigh. I went over to your kick-ass corner and read all of your "instructional" posts, and I will do my best to follow your advice. ( As of right now, no more wasting time editing my work! And MORE !!!!! ) But, regarding satire, my poor old head can just barely take in Auslander - he gives me a year's dose of satire with every post. FWIW, I am "following" you ... whatever that means. I wish you the best of success on your new Substack adventure, kiddo!!!!
Great news! Nothing like evidence-based research. As I have always maintained, non-violence will only take you so far, and then someone needs a good smack in the head. I trust morale has improved.
Again. Brilliant, although I'm nervous you were able to access my private e-mail. Are you working with THE MGMT? If so, how high, how low? Can I defer to the end with everyone else, or do I need to be culled now, in order to assure a safe and virtually bloodless transition? Thank You For Your Service (since THE MACHINE is incapable of genuine appreciation)
Hate to be a sycophant, but you KILL me. I've stopped going to therapy because I find your writing more valuable. I've saved a helluva money, although I've now turned to drugs and drink. Is that a problem?
I love a good thrashing as much as the next person but I'm afraid I have to wash my hair or something when I'm scheduled for my beating and/or extermination. Maybe someone would like to take my turn?
Can we reschedule my beating session? I have my mandatory team’s building exercise at the same time, and I have to be able to speak since I was the one appointed to sing the anthem we had to create for the company.
So, Shalom, and peace to you too, everyone loves you to death, and so do I, most of the time, but since I’ve been deemed to be executed anyway, may I say this piece feels a little … hmmm what’s the way to say what I mean without offending anyone in cyberspace? A too thinly allusion to you-know-what which is happening in you-know-where…?
As someone who’s from there… it’s hard for me to read…
And yet, as with everything else I shove in front of my eyes these days, it’s compelling, sad and maybe the only way?
No wonder I’ve had an eye infection this past week…
Thanks again for your brilliance … and sorry, I refuse my execution orders, so will emigrate (but where?) ASAP.
Not an allusion to anything, Audrey, just a piece about the use of data to justify anything. As Beckett once said, "No symbols where none intended." But I suppose with you-know-what's going on in just about every you-know-where, there are many you-know-who's who might see it as a comment on their you-know-hows.
Thank you so much! At long last, a supernova at the end of the tunnel, so what if it’s ultimately a black hole, it’s one quick way out of all this anxiety, depression, indirection, impotence and hideously low self-esteem. My only complaint is, why’d it take you so damn long?
Please return to your desk.
No, I beg of you, anything but that…
I'm going to be there 30-minutes early so I can sit in my dread just a little bit longer.
But please silence your cellphone so as not to disturb the others.
I love the idea of improving morale with brutal violence, but no self-respecting HR department would use the word "savage," which is very problematic--one might even say imperialistic and racist.
Perhaps you could change this to "strenuous" beatings. Or "dynamic" beatings.
Gotta tell you, Emmeleigh, the world is so fucked up right now that I spent the last ten minutes furious that someone suggested "savage" was racist. In my defense, I was recently advised that my use of "crippling fear" could be offensive to the disabled. Or the differently-abled. Or Wheelchair-Americans, I honestly don't fucking know anymore and I don't know who's making these decisions. (PS - if you were serious, don't tell me. It will cause me crippling depression. And fuck off)
speaking as a crip, say whatever the hell you want. You think I have the bandwidth to be offended? Dream the fuck on, Auslander.
Ha ha ha! The comments on Fetal Position are always equally entertaining as the work. You have some very tweaked, very funny readers, Shalom!
It's a helluva congregation, that's for sure.
Hallelujah!!!!!
We'll be here all week. Try the veal.
I love your response. My sister was a quadriplegic. She and we in the family would not have survived without a deep, delicious appreciation for dark humor.
Come on over to the dark side, man. We have popcorn.
Speaking as a cripple... we police language too much and we teach people that being upset and offended is bad, and that it trumps everything. Honestly, F#*k what they think.
I'm over everything being offensive, and calling everything abalist. For me I finally had enough when they started calling curtain halloween costumes abalist. Hey want to dress an an oompa loompa go for it, want to be Steven Hawkins cool.
I'm offended by your being over being offended.
I'm not commenting on your use of the word (especially in a memo about beating staff for higher morale lol), but I just wanted to say that I remember that growing up I learned that Native Americans would be called savages which is not a great thing. But I never associated the word itself with being racist. Just that the people were racist, and that it was a terrible use of the descriptor. As far as the word itself, purely a descriptor to be applied to various situations (not just people). But I was trying to research the history of frogs becoming "frog kings" in stories a few weeks ago, and I found this book called Myth, Ritual, and Religion by Andrew Lang written in 1887, and oh boy was I surprised at the way he was throwing around the word.
Here's the link if anyone wants to look at it: https://www.gutenberg.org/files/2832/2832-h/2832-h.htm
I think the context of use and intent are huge parts we ignore now with words. We deem a word as offensive and then using it in any way becomes a crime.
We used to be able to think critically and listen now we pride ourselves on being victims and attacking people personally for their opinions.
That a word can be used as a weapon doesn't make that word a weapon.
See, now that there is why you can charge for content.
The ways in which one culture savaged other cultures by calling them ‘savage’ is the problem. The word itself is not at fault.
Shalom, as a distinguished humorist, you must know that satire would be voided of all of its power to provoke and surprise if it were to announce itself as satire. Any good jokester would respond to queries about their seriousness with a poker-faced refusal to admit tomfoolery.
With that said, I am completely, 100% serious and irony-free. No jokes or japes on Substack.
I concur.
Dynamic beatings: they sound downright salubrious, and maybe ever so slightly erotic!
David, this makes me imagine a wonderfully engaging new genre of writing: management erotica.
"He kissed her dynamically.
'Will you...' she gasped, 'circle back with me on that?'
'I'm going to do more than that,' he groaned. 'I'm going to ping you.'
She gasped as he closed the loop. The synergy between them was electric."
Feel free to steal this idea. I'm packed with 'em!
“All indicators are projecting upward, ushering in climactic solutions at ever-increasing speed,” Juliette insisted. “Is there anything else I can provide in order to achieve production goals in the allotted time frame?”
“We need,” he stammered, “to move the goalposts just a bit further downfield.”
“Ok. Just give me time to consult with—oh, my God—the heavily involved department heads!”
"Yes!" he panted. "Yes! And then, move forward... dive deeper..."
"Drill down," she shrieked.
In the dim light of their afterglow…no, wait, that was the lighting flickering on in adjacent office buildings. She wished smoking was allowed. She wished she actually knew how to smoke. “How are you feeling?” she asked.
“Totally, completely, thoroughly optimized,” he mumbled. “And sleepy. But we better get back to work.”
“Not until I’m at least as optimized as you are,” she growled.
Geeez, Emmeleigh... all I need is a box of do-nuts some where in the mix and I will subscribe!
“Also, there was a box of do-nuts in the room.”
Now you have to subscribe!
No can do, Emmeleigh. I went over to your kick-ass corner and read all of your "instructional" posts, and I will do my best to follow your advice. ( As of right now, no more wasting time editing my work! And MORE !!!!! ) But, regarding satire, my poor old head can just barely take in Auslander - he gives me a year's dose of satire with every post. FWIW, I am "following" you ... whatever that means. I wish you the best of success on your new Substack adventure, kiddo!!!!
Hahaha! I not only discovered this blog today, which was great, but this comment series made my day. I hate office-speak. Thanks for the laughs.
Dynamic is good. I'm in.
Moving on to biodynamic punishments…
Oooo.... what is THAT, David? Sounds intriguing.
They involve the entire body along with its spiritual and environmental accoutrements.
That sounds mega-punitive to me. I like it.
'Robust' beatings?
So corporate-lingo!
😂😂 yes that could work
Great news! Nothing like evidence-based research. As I have always maintained, non-violence will only take you so far, and then someone needs a good smack in the head. I trust morale has improved.
Waiting on that data, Carmen. We will advise.
Again. Brilliant, although I'm nervous you were able to access my private e-mail. Are you working with THE MGMT? If so, how high, how low? Can I defer to the end with everyone else, or do I need to be culled now, in order to assure a safe and virtually bloodless transition? Thank You For Your Service (since THE MACHINE is incapable of genuine appreciation)
Hate to be a sycophant, but you KILL me. I've stopped going to therapy because I find your writing more valuable. I've saved a helluva money, although I've now turned to drugs and drink. Is that a problem?
Not for me, no.
Drugs and drink shall set us free
Or at least help us cope with our captivity.
Problem? I see no problem.
There it is: the secret of (Western?) civilization
When all else fails, beat the crap out of something or someone
Judith, please report to the main office immediately.
All civilizations. Unfortunately
I love a good thrashing as much as the next person but I'm afraid I have to wash my hair or something when I'm scheduled for my beating and/or extermination. Maybe someone would like to take my turn?
Love to!
Yay!! I'll return the favor sometime...later...much...
Wow, I’ve never seen you move so quickly!
:-D
Ha!
oh hell, I'll go....
That's the spirit!
You are amazing! What a wonderful image of our current existence.
Shit. I have a depressed muscle pushing on a nerve in my trapezius after holding phone to read this! Can i get in sooner?
Back to the office, I kept thinking. Back to the office.
Can we reschedule my beating session? I have my mandatory team’s building exercise at the same time, and I have to be able to speak since I was the one appointed to sing the anthem we had to create for the company.
Team-building to be follow by in-service training. I'd rather die, please.
Is WE WIN copyrighted IP, or are we free to incorporate it into our own employee incentive programs?
Also, damn this was good.
Free with every purchase of FP Nipple Clamps.
We've tried holding hands and dancing in a circle since 1963. Where has it gotten us? Don't ask me. We're still dancing out here on the left coast.
Naïveté beats not dancing any day.
Yeah, maybe. Ask any Californian.
So, Shalom, and peace to you too, everyone loves you to death, and so do I, most of the time, but since I’ve been deemed to be executed anyway, may I say this piece feels a little … hmmm what’s the way to say what I mean without offending anyone in cyberspace? A too thinly allusion to you-know-what which is happening in you-know-where…?
As someone who’s from there… it’s hard for me to read…
And yet, as with everything else I shove in front of my eyes these days, it’s compelling, sad and maybe the only way?
No wonder I’ve had an eye infection this past week…
Thanks again for your brilliance … and sorry, I refuse my execution orders, so will emigrate (but where?) ASAP.
Not an allusion to anything, Audrey, just a piece about the use of data to justify anything. As Beckett once said, "No symbols where none intended." But I suppose with you-know-what's going on in just about every you-know-where, there are many you-know-who's who might see it as a comment on their you-know-hows.
Good answer! I’ll do my best to stop overthinking 🤣 Not sure if I can but many thanks for your humorous reply.
When the gallows seem to be everywhere gallows humor is the only way to stay halfway sane. And to shine light onto darkness.
Don't trip on your way up the gallows steps, you'll hurt yourself.
I will practice extreme mindfulness as I look for a way out while letting go and holding on.
I think you may be on the cutting edge of a great remedial discovery here. Will you be sharing it with other projects?
Where do you think I got it from?