Key Data Findings Regarding the Savage Beatings

As you know, it’s been a difficult few years for our project. Morale was suffering, and motivation was low. We were beginning to lose our sense of purpose. We decided to gather some data, as much data as we could, and we took that data to our data analysis team, who reported back that the data pointed to a simple, actionable solution: savage beatings.

The plan, as you know, was met with some initial resistance. 77% were opposed to the plan, 83% believed savage beatings would have no positive effect, and 68% believed savage beatings would make them less motivated than before. But the data contained many charts and graphs, and many of them had brightly-colored arrows moving in a generally upward direction.

And so one year ago, as you know, we implemented a system of Violence-based Performance Inducements (VPI) as part of our bold WE WIN! initiative (Wallopings, Electrocutions, Whippings, Interrogations and Nipple-clamps). Our latest data indicates that the results of the savage beatings have already exceeded our original goals. 94% of those savagely beaten said they were never more inspired. 78% wept with gratitude after the beatings, while 87% agreed with whatever they thought we wanted them to agree with.

Unfortunately, as you know, the lone outlier is you.

Despite increasingly savage VPIs, none of your metrics have substantially improved; in some cases, they have declined. We know this upsets you as much as it does us, and so we are excited to announce the launch of Project EXCEL (Extermination for Continued Excellence). Bringing your life to a rapid end, as you know, will allow us to reach our goals in a timely and cost-efficient manner, while remaining true to the project’s core values. Can we rise up without bringing others down? Can we do good without doing bad? Can we do well while doing good? We believe we can.

Please arrive 15 minutes before your scheduled extermination.

Thank you,

The Project

(Yours in the Fetal Position,

S.)

all illustrations by orli auslander