May Result in Reduced Misanthropy

"OMG you have to check this out it's so awful"

When I was a child, there was a movie, Faces of Death, that was rumored by the few who had seen it to be an actual “snuff film,” the underground, whispered-about-but-rarely-seen movies that contained horrifying images of real deaths, murders and violence.

Today we call that “CNN.”

Today we call it “social media.”

Today we call it waking up, because every morning, that’s what awaits you on your phone. Your cousin has sent you an “OMG” clip of a mass shooting, your friend has sent you photos of a “Check this out” rocket attack, and your sister has sent you an mpeg of a beheading “you have to see.” It’s 7AM.

What’s strange is that these same friends and family would never think to send you, say, hardcore pornography. “Check out this ejaculation.” “OMG, can you believe how many people are in this gangbang?” “Hey, Sis. Saw this a vid of anal fisting and thought of you. Sent to Mom.” Of course if you’re like me, the fantasy that really gets you hot is the one in which social media disappears, and the news industry with it. Alas, that day is not here yet, and so we at FP, as part of our commitment to making life just a tiny bit less agonizing, present the official FP “Fuck Off With All Your News Shit” form.

Send it to your friends. Send it to your family. Quick. Before they send you something first.

(Link to actual PDF of the form at end of post)

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To Whom It May Concern;

As the world continues to spiral madly out of control and our dying sun sets for the last upon the bloody, broken-winged bird called Hope, I, _______________, must hereby demand that you, _______________  , immediately and without delay, fuck off with all your news shit.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the tsunami of doom-filled news you send me, or the  ghastly Insta videos, or the maniacal Meta pages, or the hateful tweets. It’s not that I don’t value the links I never asked for to lunatic podcasts that you agree with, or the links I never asked for to lunatic podcasts that you disagree with. It’s not that I don’t treasure the excerpts you send me from the op-eds you approve of, or the excerpts from the op-eds that send you in a furious froth. I’m touched that as you subject yourself to the emotional wedgie of modern-day over-information, you generously think of subjecting me to it as well. But the onslaught of misery you have been subjecting me to is taking its toll, including but not limited to the following:

(check all that apply)

• Depression

• Misanthropy

• Suicidal Ideation

• Resignation

• Reading Thich Naht Hanh

• Nagging suspicion that my medications are severely underdosed

• Angrily muttering to myself on street corners

• Sitting on the edge of my bed and staring into the middle distance

• Rudeness to innocent baristas

• Xenophobia

• Light-to-mild schizophrenia

• Uncontrollable weeping

• Desperately laughing at humorless Judd Apatow comedies

• Considering buying a gun

• Bought a gun

• Whispering to my gun

• Turning my headlights off at night and seeing how far I can drive down the I-405 before colliding head-on with something, something solid, something immovable, maybe something flammable, timing myself with each attempt, five seconds, now seven, now ten, now twenty, trying to go a few seconds longer each time because honestly who gives a fuck anymore.

As such, I hereby request that you, ________________ , immediately and without delay, cease and desist from sending me, __________________ , any and all materials, links or media of any kind which in any way pertain to, reference or mention the subjects indicated below:

(check all that apply)

• The war in Ukraine

• The war in the Middle East

• The war in Syria

• The war in Ethiopia

• The war in Afghanistan

• The war in __________________

• “Armed conflicts”

• Republicans

• Democrats

• Trump’s latest outrageous ____________________

• Any and all elections, domestic or foreign

• Red states

• Blue states

• Swing states

• Electoral college

• Texas

• Florida

• Bombings

• Stabbings

• Beatings

• Rapes

• Extremists

• Radical whoevers

• The economy

• The market

• Wall Street

• Nasdaq

• GDP

• GNP

• “Economic indicators”

• Crime rates

• Poverty rates

• Mortgage rates

• Millionaires

• Billionaires

• CEOs

• Bankers

• Climate change

• Earthquakes

• Hurricanes

• Sea levels

• Ice caps

• Fucked polar bears

• Fucked owls

• Fucked bees

• Fucked birds

• Fucked oceans

• Greta Thonburg

• “The hottest __________ since __________ .”

• “The coldest __________ since __________ .”

• Epidemics

• Pandemics

• Viruses

• “Antibiotic resistant strains”

• Anti-vaxxers (unless they die ironically)

• SNL skits

• Will Ferrell

• Late-night talk-show monologues

•  “Woke” (pro or con)

• Cancellations (pro or con)

• School shootings

• Workplace shootings

• Mass shootings

• Something stupid a celebrity said

• Something stupid a professional athlete said

• Something stupid a professor said

• Something stupid an Ivy League student said

• Conspiracy theories

• “The Deep State”

• Elon Musk

• Terrorism

• Racism

• Sexism

• Anti-Semitism

• Colonialism

• Misogyny

• Homophobia

• Hate groups

• The ADL

• The Southern Poverty Law Center

• Hollywood award shows

• Marvel movies

• Anything even tangentially related to The Rock

• “10 Best Whatever the Fucks”

• Must See

• Must Buy

• Must Read

• Must Go

• Must Try

• All of the above

Please be advised before you begin a self-righteous tirade about “living with your head in the sand” or “Something Privilege,” it’s not that I don’t care about these issues. I care, in some cases quite deeply. I simply don’t possess your ability to wallow in the cesspool of relentless media which our daily lives have become. Living under siege like this this isn’t normal, and it isn’t noble, I don’t care what the people profiting off it claim. Being aware of every asshole on the planet makes it seem like there are only assholes on this planet, and I don’t see how thinking that helps. It makes me hate people. It makes me hate you. And I’m beginning to suspect that you’re actually trying to drive me crazy, because if I’m crazy with you, you won’t have to admit that you’re crazy. 

But you are. You’re batshit, off-the-wall crazy.

Thank you in advance for fucking off, and I look forward to not hearing this kind of shit from you ever again. In the event that I do, please indicate below your preferred resolution: 

(check all that apply)

• I kill you

• I kill myself

Sincerely,

Name: _____________________

Date: _____________________

Caliber:

(check all that apply)

• 9mm

• .38

• .44

• .45   

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FP Fuck Off Form

279KB ∙ PDF file

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