Red Fish, Blue Fish, I Can't Afford Tuna Fish

(Warning: May contain anal.)

Once upon a time,

in a land called Casholia,

there were two large galas,

two great, big Conventionolias!

And all the Casholians,

to watch they did gather.

They couldn’t afford tickets,

or food for that matter!

They couldn’t afford apples!

they couldn’t afford blouses!

They worked eighteen jobs,

and couldn’t afford houses!

One bash was in Wisconsinolia

one in Chicagolia,

But the people at both

had cash up their wazo-lias.

The guests stepped from their limos,

they stepped from their planes,

they asked for donations

(none took the trains).

Millionaires with millions,

gazillionaires with gazillions!

Crabillionaires with crabillions,

And slazillionaires with slazillions!

Wearing Versace! And Prada! And Dior!

(If you can’t read that last one, kids,

it rhymes with “whore.”)

They glitzed and they glatzed,

they gleamed and they glittered!

They pointed their fingers,

and told their side-splitters!

One shouted, “Go Forward!”

One shouted, “Go Back!”

One shouted, “White Power!”

One shouted “What about Black?”

Why do they come here,

what do they do?

Well, if you’re not from Casholia,

you might think it untrue:

They gather every four years,

it couldn’t be duller,

they all get together

to talk about colors!

They talk about white

and they talk about brown!

Some talk them up,

some talk them down!

They talk about red and white,

they talk about blue,

This sounds bizarre,

but I swear that it’s true.

They talk about rainbows,

they talk about pink,

but mention two others,

and see what they think,

because of all the colors they mention

while they primp and preen,

the names of two dare not be spoken:

One is Gold, the other Green.

You see here in Casholia,

on Forbes magazine,

Go the Musks and the Bezos

and a Zuckerbergeen!

Here in Cashloia,

you’ll think I cajole,

one leader even had

a gold toilet bowl!

Because that’s the one issue

about which all Casholians agree,

the rich and the poor,

the short and the long,

the black and the white,

the weak and the strong:

Green and Gold can doeth no wrong.

So if you come to Casholia,

bring lots of dough,

groceries are a fortune,

a home, well, yeah. No.

But don’t disparage the colors

I mentioned here-olia

if you question those colors,

they’ll kick your assholia,

If you come, wave the other colors,

the red, white and blue,

but don’t you ever doubt

those other sacred two.

Take my advice

when you plan your travolia:

pay no attention

to those great basholias,

where the wealthy Casholias

make their grand speecholias:

cuz’ if you ain’t already rich, pal,

you’re fucked in Casholia.

illustrations by orli auslander