The Asshole Question

And perhaps, for Substack, an answer

illustration by K. Vonnegut

“Against the assault of laughter,” wrote Mark Twain, “nothing can stand.”

I’ll come back to Twain in a moment.

---

There are now two “N” words that regrettably dominate our discussions today. One I cannot say because I am not black, the other I must say because I am a Jew:

“Nazi.”

And frankly, folks, I’m Nazi-ed out.

I have lived with the word Nazi a long time. Among the first movies I ever saw – I was no older than eight or nine at the time - were U.S. newsreel compilations of dead Jewish bodies at Treblinka, of mass graves, of Nazi soldiers shooting emaciated Jews in their backs, of bulldozers, driven by Nazi soldiers, piling naked corpses into twenty-foot tall mounds which were then set afire by Nazi soldiers. Laughing, smirking Nazi soldiers.

Nazi meant something back then. It wasn’t used lightly, if ever. Someone might be a “bigot,” or a “racist,” or a “Jew-hater” or, worst of all, just one half-step below Nazi, an “anti-Semite”.

But only Nazis were Nazis.

And then something changed. One day, it seemed, everyone was a Nazi. Jesse Jackson was a Nazi, David Dinkins was a Nazi, David Bowie was a Nazi, Billy Idol was a Nazi, the town supervisor who put up a Christmas tree in Town Hall but not a menorah was a Nazi.

“I built death camps,” I imagine Hitler complaining from Hell, “and this guy’s a Nazi? For forgetting a fucking menorah?”

Today, like other overused words, words that once had crucial, pivotal power but are now lifeless, words that society desperately needs but which have become nothing more than self-righteous white noise, words like “racist” and “homophobe” and “misogynist,” the word “Nazi” has been made cheap and impotent and toothless.

I confess: I hear someone is a Nazi, and I, a Jew, shrug.

“Who isn’t?” I think.

Words die.  They wither from overuse. The war against cliche, as Martin Amis put it, is not just against cliche, it is a war in defense of words. A war to keep them vital, meaningful, to protect them.

But other words are on their way to the graveyard, too.

Some months ago, the Anti-Defamation League announced that acts of anti-Semitism have doubled, or tripled or quadrupled. The announcement sent a chill down the spines of Jews across the globe; many cite the ADL’s numbers when explaining the fear that now haunts them. What the ADL didn’t announce is that they had changed their definition of anti-Semitism to include any and all criticism or protest of Israel – so of course anti-Semitism increased. By the ADL’s current definition, I am an anti-Semite. And Etgar Keret, a longtime critic of Netanyahu, is an anti-Semite. And David Grossman, who has long opposed the Israeli government’s position on Palestinians, is an anti-Semite. The 70,000 Israelis I marched with this past summer in Tel-Aviv against Netanyahu (at Etgar’s prodding, I should say; like George Carlin, I don’t trust people in large groups, even if I agree with them) are anti-Semites, and the hundreds of thousands of Israelis that protested against Netanyahu over the past year, some 60-70% of the nation’s entire population, they’re all anti-Semites too. Any rally expressing concern for Palestinian people, even those organized by Jews, even if they never mention the word “Jew,” is deemed by the ADL, because it is against the actions of the Israeli government, anti-Semitic.

And so soon the word “anti-Semite” will be dead, too.

Words die.

And lately, our most important words are dropping like flies.

I’m Nazi-ed out, folks. I’m racist-ed out. I’m homophobe-ed out. That doesn’t make me a Nazi or a racist or a homophobe. It makes me human, and it makes the casual dispensers of those vital words lazy at best, opportunistic at worst. It sickens me, and it should sicken anyone who cares about those issues, because dead words don’t return. I hear Jonathan Greenblatt of the Anti-Defamation League shouting “Nazi!” or “anti-Semite!” to the weary shrugs of millions and I imagine an old man trying in vain to get an erection, furiously tugging at himself and muttering, “Goddamn it, this thing used to work.”

It’s a hideous irony that these words are as dead as their victims. Because we need those words. We need those words for when they genuinely apply. England, it seems, has a genuine anti-Semitism problem (though it should be added that the British seem to have an anti-Everyone problem; I think it’s dietary related, something about sausage and lager and high blood pressure; on the bright side, they’re all going to be dead by the time they hit forty). Hamas, committed as they are to the eradication of the Jewish people, are Nazis, just with a worse logo and shittier uniforms. But if Kyrie Irving’s a Nazi, is being a Nazi that big a deal?

I admit I am not immune to this reflex of thought. A few years ago, my son’s high school PE teacher, reviled as all high school PE teachers are, called my son’s Jewish classmate a “Jewboy.” He also called my son’s Latino friend a “Spic,” hiding behind the fact that he was Latino himself. My son was angry, and rightly so. I assured him that once I told the principal that the PE teacher was an anti-Semite, action would be taken.

“He’s not an anti-Semite, Dad,” he said to me with preternatural wisdom. “He’s just a fucking asshole.”

And he was right. He tends to be. Both of my sons do. They’re annoying.

The point we need to remember is this: all Nazis are assholes, but not all assholes are Nazis. So is the Substacker who pecks out his midnight screed about “The Jewish Question” between games of League of Legends a Nazi, or is he an asshole? I’m going with asshole. My bet is he wouldn’t even pass the physical to make it into the Nazi Party. “Nein!” shouts Himmler, crossing his name off the sign-up sheet as he struggles to complete a single sit-up. “Zu viele Nacho Doritos.”

When a school kid draws a swastika on a bathroom wall, he’s not a Nazi. I doubt he’s even an anti-Semite (the ADL says he is, and includes it in their numbers). He’s an asshole. He’s no more a Nazi then he is a misogynist when he writes “Sally sucks cock” on the locker room wall, or a homophobe when he writes “Jeremy sucks cock” on the seat of the school bus. What Reggie is, is an asshole. He may even be a Fucking Asshole. And he might grow up to be a Colossal Fucking Asshole. And yes, that’s a problem. But he’s not a Nazi, and he’s not an anti-Semite and he’s not a misogynist. He’s an asshole, and he should be called an asshole and he should be made to answer for his assholeness.

“Missus Conklin,” the school principal should say, “we need to talk about Reggie. It seems he’s an asshole.”

“Oh my, an asshole? Reggie? Are you sure?”

“Yes, Ma’am, very sure. He may even be a fucking asshole. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

Is Elon Musk an anti-Semite? Is Kanye West a Nazi? I doubt it. They’re just assholes. Powerful assholes, maybe. For the moment. But they’re not Nazis. They’re just garden-variety, run-of-the-mill, seen-one-you’ve-seen-them-all, dull-as-dirt assholes. The teenager with the sign saying throw Jews in the trash? You’ll probably disagree with me on this, but I don’t think she’s an anti-Semite either. I don’t even think she’s an asshole. I think she’s a Dumb Fuck, but that’s a different post.

Don’t get me wrong - The Asshole Question is a big one. Archeologists have discovered ancient Greek graffiti that amounts to “Sally sucks cock,” which proves, as if it needed to be proven, that there have been assholes since antiquity. God seems like a bit of an asshole Himself, and He predates us all. He’s our father, after all, and evidently the asshole doesn’t fall far from the tree.

So what to do about the assholes here on Substack? I’d suggest some sort of a bipartisan think tank, but people in think tanks tend to be assholes of a different sort, and I’m an asshole just for using the words “bipartisan” and “think tank.” And so, as with most things, I defer to Mark Twain:

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”

Two inspiring examples come to mind:

1: Some years ago, in a typically juvenile response to a juvenile Dutch cartoon about Mohammed, the mullahs in Iran ran a cartoon exhibit of anti-Semitic cartoons (I guess they couldn’t think of enough clog jokes, so they went after Jews). The cartoons featured Jews with big noses, Jews with bags of money – the usual yawn and drang. Calls were made for censure, for boycotts, for international condemnation. One Israeli, though, Amital Sandy, a graphic designer in Tel Aviv, decided to fight fire with humor: he decided to hold his own contest for anti-Semitic cartoons. After all, who’s better at hating Jews than Jews? “No Iranian,” he said, “will beat us on our home turf!” Hundreds of entries were submitted. Art Spiegelman was one of the judges. The cartoons were sick and twisted, gleefully so. By comparison, the mullah’s cartoons were tame. Call it Jew Jitsu. It didn’t take the mullahs from power, that is the Iranians task, but they shut the fuck up.

Hilarious.

2: Springfield, a small town in Tampa Bay, Florida, was facing a Klan rally that the town supervisor was helpless to stop. Free speech, or some shit. One couple, Bill and Lindy Seltzer, knew that to show up and counter-protest would be to give the Klan the things they wanted most: validation, violence and free press. And so they, too, fought fire with humor: they organized a pledge drive. For every minute the Klan assholes stood in the town square and blathered on about Jews and blacks and homosexuals, money would be donated to the Klan’s most despised causes: to the Simon Wiesenthal Center, to the NAACP, to the ACLU.

The 45-minute Klan rally wound up raising over $10,000.

They called it Project Lemonade.

“It’s taking something sour,” said Bill Seltzer, “and making it sweet.”

Hilarious.

I don’t know what to do about Confederate statues in this country, but adding a statue, somewhere, of Bill and Lindy Seltzer is a pretty good place to start.

I also don’t know what Substack can do about assholes. I don’t expect them to have the answer to The Asshole Question; assholes are an eternal problem. You can leave, sure, but the assholes will just show up at whatever platform you go to next. But we can’t just ignore assholes, either - the regular assholes, or the Nazi assholes, or the racist assholes. So why not learn from Mark Twain, and from Amital Sandy, and from Bill and Lindy Seltzer?

You may post here, Substack could officially announce, because something something something free speech. But if becomes obvious that you’re an asshole - and it’s always obvious - any money you earn, for yourself and for Substack, will be donated in full to the charity you most hideously despise.

In your name, you fucking asshole.

That doesn’t seem like a big ask, frankly, but I’ve had other suggestions for Substack that went unanswered before, so I’m not holding my breath. That said, I’m not a big believer in the effectiveness of petitions, and I wouldn’t know how to start one if I was, but if any of you want to start a Substack “Updated Asshole Policy” petition, I’ll happily be the first to sign it.

Yours in the fetal position,

S.

illustration by O. Auslander