The Existential Threat to Humanity of Brightly Colored Child Handwriting Fonts with Clapping Hands Emojis

There is much to worry the mind these days about the future of our species and planet – war, climate change, further “Ghostbuster” remakes and whatever tripe “Barbie” spawns. But of all the indicators that mankind is doomed, none is so troublesome as the disturbing power of Inane Thoughts Set in Brightly Colored Child Handwriting Fonts with Clapping Hands Emojis.

The literary scholar Jonathan Gottschall has written of the “end run” that story has over the human rational mind; that stories can convince us of many things, good and bad, because our mind operates via story. This, he says, is worrisome, because we can be led to dangerous and dark places via a mechanism of narrative that supersedes rationality. But even that pales in comparison to the threat posed by whatever mechanism it is that allows Inane Thoughts Set in Brightly Colored Child Handwriting Fonts with Clapping Hands Emojis to rack up thousands upon thousands of likes, restacks and reposts.

Forget for a moment that as sentient beings, we already know our time on Earth is limited, so there’s nothing new there, or that striving for grace is actually a noble pursuit, or that one’s definition of grace may well be mischief and audacity, so this adds nothing. But surely “a good story to tell” is a less-than-compelling reason to live when considered beside love, caring, kindness and helping others.

So how to account for this post’s 5,000 likes and 400 reposts?

It’s set in Brightly Colored Child Handwriting Fonts with Clapping Hands Emojis.

It seems that no matter how inane, foolish, short-sighted or ignorant a thought is, if it’s set in Brightly Colored Child Handwriting Fonts with Clapping Hands Emojis, we humans will like it. Hell, I reposted that grace post, and I don’t even agree with it.

More troubling still is that when something is genuinely true and wise, it doesn’t need to be set in Brightly Colored Child Handwriting Fonts with Clapping Hands Emojis; when something is genuinely true and wise, like the following from Ralph Waldo Emerson, setting it in Brightly Colored Child Handwriting Fonts with Clapping Hands Emojis actually work against it:

Because now it just looks foolish. So the danger of Inane Thoughts Set in Brightly Colored Child Handwriting Fonts with Clapping Hands Emojis is twofold: it makes the wise appear foolish, and the foolish appear wise.

We’re fucked, people. And the power of Brightly Colored Child Handwriting Fonts with Clapping Hands Emojis is not our only worry. So is the equally disturbing as the power of Brightly Colored Child Handwriting Fonts with Prayer Hands Emojis:

He is?

For what?

Not for the poor people in the Middle East.

Not for the guy who just got hit by a bus crossing Wilshire Boulevard.

Not for Jesus. God was a bit late for the whole crucifixion thing. If anything God is like a cop who always shows up precisely when it’s too late. But the Brightly Colored Child Handwriting Fonts with Prayer Hands Emojis do something to us. They make bullshit seem true or worthy.

And there is a greater danger still - and that is the utter helplessness we experience when Brightly Colored Child Handwriting Fonts with Clapping Hands Emojis are combined with Prayer Hands Emojis.

Against that there is no resistance.

Sure, why not? There’s clapping hands and prayer hands. We’d be foolish not to disembowel and eat the neighbors.

Aww, good for It! Free lotion. I’ll clap for that, too. And a hose is nice!

Who doesn’t like rivers? And “sea” rhymes with “free,” so that’s sweet, too. Why aren’t we doing that? We should do that!

That one’s actually from Mein Kampf, but look at the emojis! Fuck, I’m Jewish and I’m thinking about exterminating us.

Okay that last one probably wouldn’t work, but only because it contains more words than most people will read these days.

Perhaps that’s the answer then: for every clap or prayer hand emoji, the writer is required to write 100 words.

That last one would then require 600 words on the Grand Replacement Theory, which would show just how ridiculous it actually is.

I know explication and elucidation are not widely desired these days, but it seems to me this is a good solution.

Maybe even a final solution 👏👏👏🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻.

Yours in the Fetal Position,

S.

(illustrations by Orli Auslander)