I have been the shuffling woman now for a couple of years. Beyond “sad” it is overwhelmingly strange. What you write, Shalom, never fails to keep me company in the strange. This is particularly spot-on. Thank you.
This is absolutely beautiful and absolutely true. Stories like this one are being lived every day. They don't make the news, but they are the important stories.
I think that when you are old, younger people figure that you are....old. Old in your brain, in your heart, in your being. Younger people don't see that you are still you. Inside your head, you are still a full person, not just the accumulation of your lifetime. You are still here, every day. Fully. So, yes, this elderly couple had a long life together. That's a beautiful thing. But now he is dead, which is sad, which is why, I think, the wife cried. Even if she lives only one more day, she will live it feeling the sadness of being without her love. Yes, she will (most likely) also know she was lucky to have had him, will know it's a beautiful thing, all of those years together, sharing a life. But I think it's being patronizing to the old to say, "look, at those two, they lived together a long time and so this isn't a sad thing. Old people die, let's accept it. It's so wonderful all those years together." Old people have the same feelings as the young--sadness, among them. And to see her alone now, for however much longer she has on this earth--it's sad that she is alone. I feel sad for her. Not happy. I hope she is surrounded by people who love her so she doesn't feel so terribly bereft and alone.
I’m sorry for her. And facing it myself. A hellish PTSD of sorts since I almost lost him 45 years ago & again last year. So I’ve already begun to think he likely will go 1st. It’s sad.
I prayed for a good man at a very young age, because grew up in a world where that was the only option for most women. [Ask their fathers ;)!] And realized my prayer was answered. Not that it hadn’t been difficult. And certainly not that we are so alike- lol.
Anyway, if I’ve learned anything, it’s that not only will life be different than you can imagine- it can be better. God has made death a part of life for a reason. No one escapes it. So I think as long as I’m alive, there’s something He still has for me to do. Through all the emotions we are allowed. Then we must continue until He says, ok. You’ve done enough here. Come rest in me awhile, my love.
yes, we have to be here for all of it. Death is here so that we may live fully. And sadness is certainly a part of that fullness of being.--though I'm sorry for your sadness and wish you the best.
A close friend of mine passed away recently, well before his time, a great man and a wonderful father. I try to remind his sons that while others may have their fathers around for longer, not many have fathers who loved them so deeply - that a day having their father was worth a hundred years of a lesser man. I suppose we forget that in matters of the heart, quality matters more than quantity. Best - S.
One day, it most of been sometime in the 80s, I was seated in a cafe with my parents when an elderly couple entered. The woman leaned towards her husband and asked "are you still there?" Such a heartfelt, poignant question, fourtysome years later I still remember.
I think the reality is that when you love someone deeply and for such a long time, the love is indeed beautiful, but the loss of that love is also heartbreaking to the one left behind. I don't think you can have one without the other. Love, eventually, means loss.
This very well written. I have just been diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. Anne and I have been together for 34 years. One day soon I probably will no longer know her but still be present. That will be sad for her.
A beautiful impossible thing, that we humans can find someone and be together for 34 years - 12,418 days according to Google - and it still isn't enough. For all the bad we humans do, your kind of relationship makes up for it.
I’m still alive. I lost a love while young and I have looked death in the eyes more than once in this life, but awakening after a trauma and not being with your beloved is a disappointment beyond comprehension. What no one knows, what religion and culture try to tell us about loss and our degrees of acceptance can’t explain what life on Earth is for. Here we are, creating lives that will end, and grieving our losses that are inevitable. The lucky ones are those who get plucked off the planet to explore the thereafter.
We are now in our 70’s. We have been in the same small circle of friends for 50+ years and consider all of us a family. We are losing our friends/family at a more rapid pace than anticipated. Unlike the old days (50’s, 60’s, 70’s), when a woman lost her spouse, she was shunned. I saw this with my mother in law and my mother. Those women were homemakers and didn’t get out in the world. Their husband’s circle was their wives circle and those lucky wives who still had a husband protected them from those attractive widows. We learned a lesson. Our generation of women were in the workforce, made friends outside of the husband’s. We now, unfortunately, have a phrase among my ever dwindling group of friends/family, it’s “Don’t forget the widders”, spelled as we say it. My husband is as good of friend with my widowed sisters as I am, and I am grateful. I know if something happens to him, I will have that friend/family member 100% there to watch my back.
I have been the shuffling woman now for a couple of years. Beyond “sad” it is overwhelmingly strange. What you write, Shalom, never fails to keep me company in the strange. This is particularly spot-on. Thank you.
This is absolutely beautiful and absolutely true. Stories like this one are being lived every day. They don't make the news, but they are the important stories.
I think that when you are old, younger people figure that you are....old. Old in your brain, in your heart, in your being. Younger people don't see that you are still you. Inside your head, you are still a full person, not just the accumulation of your lifetime. You are still here, every day. Fully. So, yes, this elderly couple had a long life together. That's a beautiful thing. But now he is dead, which is sad, which is why, I think, the wife cried. Even if she lives only one more day, she will live it feeling the sadness of being without her love. Yes, she will (most likely) also know she was lucky to have had him, will know it's a beautiful thing, all of those years together, sharing a life. But I think it's being patronizing to the old to say, "look, at those two, they lived together a long time and so this isn't a sad thing. Old people die, let's accept it. It's so wonderful all those years together." Old people have the same feelings as the young--sadness, among them. And to see her alone now, for however much longer she has on this earth--it's sad that she is alone. I feel sad for her. Not happy. I hope she is surrounded by people who love her so she doesn't feel so terribly bereft and alone.
I’m sorry for her. And facing it myself. A hellish PTSD of sorts since I almost lost him 45 years ago & again last year. So I’ve already begun to think he likely will go 1st. It’s sad.
I prayed for a good man at a very young age, because grew up in a world where that was the only option for most women. [Ask their fathers ;)!] And realized my prayer was answered. Not that it hadn’t been difficult. And certainly not that we are so alike- lol.
Anyway, if I’ve learned anything, it’s that not only will life be different than you can imagine- it can be better. God has made death a part of life for a reason. No one escapes it. So I think as long as I’m alive, there’s something He still has for me to do. Through all the emotions we are allowed. Then we must continue until He says, ok. You’ve done enough here. Come rest in me awhile, my love.
yes, we have to be here for all of it. Death is here so that we may live fully. And sadness is certainly a part of that fullness of being.--though I'm sorry for your sadness and wish you the best.
I’m behind in my reading- lol. Like 5-6 weeks +. Oh dear. Thank you for your kind words Mary G.
Irene Zion
My Victor and I have been married 53 1/2 years.
If you don’t forget your time may be cut short, every minute counts.
And even after 53 years, you're still counting halfs. Awesome.
I am gratified that someone else besides me thinks this way. Also grateful that you write so beautifully, both in this vein and in others.
As perfect as a coffeeshop gets.
Ah, I’ll be the shuffling woman soon, except my husband is only 39, and we’ve been together 15 years. I was recently thinking about what a promise of “forever” really means on a human timescale and wrote this : https://open.substack.com/pub/bessstillman/p/forever-is-short-long-time?r=16l8ek&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
We were also coffee shop fixtures once. Tragedy is only tragedy if something beautiful came first.
A close friend of mine passed away recently, well before his time, a great man and a wonderful father. I try to remind his sons that while others may have their fathers around for longer, not many have fathers who loved them so deeply - that a day having their father was worth a hundred years of a lesser man. I suppose we forget that in matters of the heart, quality matters more than quantity. Best - S.
One day, it most of been sometime in the 80s, I was seated in a cafe with my parents when an elderly couple entered. The woman leaned towards her husband and asked "are you still there?" Such a heartfelt, poignant question, fourtysome years later I still remember.
And the news reports on Taylor Swift and the football guy. Sigh.
Refreshing perspective, Shalom. We should reflect on the long string of good instead of the one dead stop of bad.
I think the reality is that when you love someone deeply and for such a long time, the love is indeed beautiful, but the loss of that love is also heartbreaking to the one left behind. I don't think you can have one without the other. Love, eventually, means loss.
I guess the hard part is not letting the loss overwhelm the love that came before it.
It's always better to have loved!
This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. Thank you.
Me, too.
This very well written. I have just been diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. Anne and I have been together for 34 years. One day soon I probably will no longer know her but still be present. That will be sad for her.
A beautiful impossible thing, that we humans can find someone and be together for 34 years - 12,418 days according to Google - and it still isn't enough. For all the bad we humans do, your kind of relationship makes up for it.
Thank you very much for your kind and supportive words. They help a great deal
I’m still alive. I lost a love while young and I have looked death in the eyes more than once in this life, but awakening after a trauma and not being with your beloved is a disappointment beyond comprehension. What no one knows, what religion and culture try to tell us about loss and our degrees of acceptance can’t explain what life on Earth is for. Here we are, creating lives that will end, and grieving our losses that are inevitable. The lucky ones are those who get plucked off the planet to explore the thereafter.
Love story. They were lucky.
They weren't lucky, they were blessed.
I can accept that they blessed one another.
We are now in our 70’s. We have been in the same small circle of friends for 50+ years and consider all of us a family. We are losing our friends/family at a more rapid pace than anticipated. Unlike the old days (50’s, 60’s, 70’s), when a woman lost her spouse, she was shunned. I saw this with my mother in law and my mother. Those women were homemakers and didn’t get out in the world. Their husband’s circle was their wives circle and those lucky wives who still had a husband protected them from those attractive widows. We learned a lesson. Our generation of women were in the workforce, made friends outside of the husband’s. We now, unfortunately, have a phrase among my ever dwindling group of friends/family, it’s “Don’t forget the widders”, spelled as we say it. My husband is as good of friend with my widowed sisters as I am, and I am grateful. I know if something happens to him, I will have that friend/family member 100% there to watch my back.
Great read straight on thru.
My take:
Only Love Prevails.
I can’t bring them back again
Those moments I hold fast in memory
Dear ones dancing in my dreams
Still reaching out to me
When Spring has come and gone again
And brilliant Summer pales
And Fall sets sail in frosty winds
Only love prevails
No, I can’t change the flow of time
Tho sometimes I’ve wished that I could
But my heart shall bind up all loose ends
And keep them mine for good
So let us recall some old songs
And sing them out around the fire
And hail once more our loved ones before
The hour that we retire
When Spring has come and gone again
And brilliant Summer pales
And Fall sets sail in frosty winds
Only love prevails
Malcolm McKinney 2006