The Time Has Come For Me To Affix Threatening Stickers To The Back Of My Truck

(H/T to the man on the 405 who inspired this post)

After much thought and careful consideration, I have decided that the time has come for me to affix threatening stickers to the back of my truck. It is a decision I make neither lightly nor hastily, I assure you, but I have owned the truck for nigh on a week now and can delay the inevitable no further.

Truth be told, threatening stickers were the very reason I purchased the truck. I originally arrived at the decision that the time had come for me to affix threatening stickers to the back of my vehicle some months ago, but I was driving a Toyota Prius at the time, and as everyone who affixes threatening stickers to the back of their vehicles knows, the medium is the message. So I bought myself a pickup truck, the smoked rear window and view-obstructing tailgate the perfect canvas for my art of vehicular intimidation.

Alas, deciding to affix threatening stickers on the back of my truck was only the first decision. And the simplest. The question before me now, as it is for so many who decide to affix threatening stickers to the backs of their trucks, is which sticker to affix.

We live in a time of accelerated change, and what was threatening once is now no longer. Stickers like “Back off!” or of Yosemite Sam brandishing pistols, which might have been threatening in a simpler time, are now almost quaint. The same could be said for stickers of Calvin, from “Calvin and Hobbes,” urinating upon various names and objects. It is a truth widely accepted among people who affix threatening stickers to the backs of their trucks that, lo that we wish it otherwise, urination no longer expresses the hostility it once did. The game, as they say, moves on.

And so to begin with, I selected an NRA sticker. While ostensibly a gun advocacy group, the logo affixed to the back of a truck suggests that the driver of the vehicle is both in possession of a firearm and will use it over any perceived slight or infraction, which is ironic considering that the NRA claims they promote responsible gun ownership. Were it so, of course, the sticker of their logo affixed to the back of a truck would be rather calming to the person viewing it. “It’s okay, Margaret, nothing to worry about, he’s with the NRA.” But it is because of the group’s avowed stance, I realized, that the NRA logo suggested a modicum of maturity, and so I decided to combine it with the customary silhouette of an AR-15.

AR-15s are lightweight, semi-automatic rifles typically associated with mass shootings in middle schools, kindergartens and concert venues, so I thought this made for a good choice for threatening people, particularly when merging on or off busy thoroughfares at rush hour. Still, though, something indelible was missing. My vehicle was menacing, to some degree, and intimidatory, but not as threatening as I had hoped.

So I decided to put a crucifix on it.

I’m as troubled as you.

Some years ago, this might have seemed like an odd choice for intimidation. Jesus Christ, after all, spoke often of peace and love. But times change, and today, in America and indeed around the world, there’s nothing more threatening than the icon of a world religion.

Which religion? I took no chances.  

I selected three stickers: a garish gold crucifix with blood dripping from Jesus’s wounds, a violent quote from the Koran, and one that simply read “John 3:16.”

I was pleased. It was truly starting to come together, but it was still missing that certain something. I had an NRA sticker, a silhouette of an AR-15, a garish gold crucifi xwith blood dripping from Jesus’s wounds, a violent quote from the Koran and “John 3:16,” which were hostile, yes but not genuinely alarming.

Suddenly it hit me.

I laid out all the stickers in a row upon my desk, and added two more to the end: one that featured a silhouette of a soldier carrying a gun with the words “I support the troops” below it (silhouettes are threatening, I don’t know why), and a second one of “The Thin Blue Line,” a pro-police graphic consisting of an American flag with a blue line across the middle, indicating that the police are the line separating good citizens from chaos and crime. Of course, this, too, is unfortunate – support of soldiers and police should not suggest a threat of some kind. I support both, and have friends who serve honorably in each. But today, for various reasons, such symbols, affixed to the back of a truck, suggest the afffixers willingness to use deadly force in situations that might otherwise be resolved peacefully. Unfortunate it may be, but true, and the cardinal rule of affixing threatening stickers to the back of your truck has always been “maximum threat, minimal time.”

Which is when I realized I had a problem.

I stood back and looked at the threatening stickers I had selected to affix to the back of my truck – the NRA sticker, the silhouette of the AR-15, the crucifix with blood dripping from Jesus’s wounds, the violent quote from the Koran, the “John 3:16” sticker, the “I support the Troops” sticker and the one in support of police – and while the cumulative effect was indeed threatening, there were just too many of them. My message was being lost. Sure, at a red light or stop sign the driver behind me would have time to peruse the stickers I had affixed to the back of my truck and thereby experience the discomfort I was aiming to cause. But at highway speeds?

I needed something quick, something immediate, something that in a single instant expressed all that those individual stickers did.

So I thought, “Fuck it,” threw all the stickers in the trash, went to Walmart, bought an enormous American flag and mounted it in the bed.

Perfect.

Yours in the Fetal Position,

S.