Thoughts of a Thought Leader

"Think, dammit, think!"

MONDAY

- Third day without thoughts now. Getting worried. Think, dammit, think!

- “It’s important to…” No, never mind. It isn’t really.

- “Always take the…” Take the what, dammit, take the what?

- I had a thought this morning, but I lost it. It was a big one, too - something about cars? Driving? No, that doesn’t sound right. Who wants a thought about driving? What the hell did I think?

- “Always take the shortest distance between two points?” Is that a thought? It sounds like a thought. Or the beginning of a thought.

- Sent my publisher Jeff a pitch for “The Shortest Distance.” He said it’s been done.

TUESDAY

- Why couldn’t I have been a plumber? Nobody hounds plumbers for thoughts, plumbers don’t always have to be thinking things. You fix the toilet, you go on with your life. How am I supposed to have thoughts about life when I’m too busy thinking thoughts to actually live?

- Is that a thought? A thought about thoughts? Nah, too meta.

- “Lean Out,” maybe? Now that you leaned in, lean out? Maybe. I’ll play with it.

WEDNESDAY

- Day Five. I’ve had thoughts, but they’re not really leading thoughts.

- “Lean Out?” Stupid.

-  “In the future, people will…” Will what, people will what? What will people do in the future???

- Was thinking about my thought from a few days ago that I thought was about cars, but now I think it was about self-driving cars. Better. Current. But what the hell did I think about self-driving cars???

- Went to a dinner party, guy comes over, podiatrist, says, “Yeah, someday I’d like to be a thought leader, too.” “Oh yeah,” I said curtly, “and someday I’D like to be a doctor!” People just don’t get it.

THURSDAY

- The trouble is that all the good thoughts have already been thought. “Love your neighbor.” “Turn the other cheek.” “Judge not lest ye be judged.” Oh, to have been born at the dawn of mankind, when all thoughts were yet to be thought, and all mankind needed leading!

- “A wise investor knows that, that…” “A wise investor doesn’t ever, uh…” Something about patience? Lame.

- It’s a crowded market, that’s really the problem. You got Peterson, Brown, Ferris, there’s a new one every goddamned day. I mean, there’s just so many thoughts a thinker can think before he starts thinking things other have already thought.

FRIDAY

- Day Seven. I bet Ferris had ten thoughts just this morning. Asshole. I’ll tell you the truth, I had most of his thoughts way before he did. Like, way.

- “Don’t get into self-driving cars?” Was that it? “Self-driving cars can only…?” NOBODY WANTS THOUGHTS ABOUT SELF-DRIVING CARS!!!!

SATURDAY

- Thought it would be a good idea to down a bottle of Hendrick’s. Ran into that schmuck podiatrist at Starbucks.

“Penny for your thoughts!” he said. Like I haven’t heard that one a million times.

“I had a thought about your face and my fist,” I said.

I didn’t really.

- Shouldn’t thoughts not be led? Thoughts should be free, untethered, personal, wild, unled!

- Hey, maybe that’s a thought right there! That’s the title: “I Think You Should Think For Yourself!”

- But then why buy the book? Fuck.

SUNDAY

- Day Nine. I can no longer deny it: I’ve become little more than a writer of statement t-shirts. At last in my thoughtlessness, I can be honest – that’s all we thought leaders ever were: glorified t-shirt writers. My entire life has been a 100% Cotton, Wash With Like Colors, Tumble Dry lie.

MONDAY

 - Went for a walk, depressed, lost, my mind a thoughtless chasm, nearly got hit by a self-driving car. “People being driven by cars!” I shouted. “Madness!”

And that’s when the thought came back to me! That was the thought!

Don’t be like a person driven around by a machine! “Drive yourself!” That’s big!!! A thought! At last a thought! A leading thought!

TUESDAY

- Sent Jeff a pitch for “Drive Yourself!” He said it’s been done.

WEDNESDAY

 - Day Twelve. Nothing. Think, dammit, think…

illustrations by orli auslander