I'm going to die of a dozen terrible illnesses because I have scratched my itchy scalp, worn underwear that tends to ride up on one side, tried to kiss my elbow (that one is Mom's fault in her attempt to keep me busy), drooled on my pillow, ate a booger ONCE, picked my teeth with a fingernail, picked my nose, farted at work, rolled my tongue, kissed a boy, kissed a girl, and belched at the supper table.
All the boys I knew in grade school ate their boogers and I couldn't imagine why. So I tried it. I've always been a good eater but that just wasn't interesting. I swear to that picture of God up there! :-D
I don’t often enough come across someone on the dark side of funny here. Loved this piece so much. Sorry bout your friend too. Life is ridiculous indeed.
God has the best sense of humour.. I realised that when I was about 9 years old riding home from school on the bus and saw from the window, a very clumsy, chubby, uncoordinated puppy waddling around on his own in someone's yard playing with something. It was the best choreographed piece of slap-stick comedy I had ever seen. And even the melancholic child that I was, I burst into gales of laughter. That is when I realised God invented funny.
I often imagine dying, and getting to the Afterlife and seeing God on his big throne and falling to my knees and begging him not to send me to Hell, and he looks at me and says, "Hell? You just came from there, Buddy."
...and you just got through quoting Groucho Marx saying "funny is enough". Should we now conclude funny is the best we can hope for? Actually, I find that hopeful!
Some of the funniest conversations I have ever had were with the mortician who helped bury most of my family...and those conversations happened right after the deaths. I'm still holding him to the "10th one is free" offer. And he knows my last words will be "Shit, that didn't work like I thought it would."
Convulsive laughter causes the shits. Excuse me, gotta get to the can. My 5-year old daughter, from the backseat, was heard to say, "This booger is black! I'm not eating this."
I read an article the other day that said outdoor lighting can increase the risk for Alzheimer’s. Like, streetlights and illuminated signs. So now not only can I not go out at night anymore, I can’t even pick my nose while I’m stuck inside? At this point, is there anything even worth remembering?
Weirdly it took me fifty years to arrive at this exact same (foetal) position… Tragedy had shoved my head so far up my own arse I could see my prostate enlarge - even though I don’t have one!
Tangential but not: The other night a friend mentioned how much rage she still has, after many years, over being shat on by her family. I couldn't stop laughing. Thankfully, she understood and found it both validating and funny. Because what the heck?
I'm sorry about Craig, really. Dying from dentures, though, is a riot. '
They're not going to tell us that the cure for heart disease is canceling all news subscriptions, but I'm onto them.
It does come to this, especially during election season.
"None of this is to suggest you should read the news. Please do not. The entire industry is rotten to the core, and it is a plague upon our minds and souls."
Whatever happened to "Just the facts sir/ma'am/...etc."? At least facts can be funny, or ironic, pundits not so much.
I'm going to die of a dozen terrible illnesses because I have scratched my itchy scalp, worn underwear that tends to ride up on one side, tried to kiss my elbow (that one is Mom's fault in her attempt to keep me busy), drooled on my pillow, ate a booger ONCE, picked my teeth with a fingernail, picked my nose, farted at work, rolled my tongue, kissed a boy, kissed a girl, and belched at the supper table.
"Once." Bullshit.
All the boys I knew in grade school ate their boogers and I couldn't imagine why. So I tried it. I've always been a good eater but that just wasn't interesting. I swear to that picture of God up there! :-D
I don’t often enough come across someone on the dark side of funny here. Loved this piece so much. Sorry bout your friend too. Life is ridiculous indeed.
Me too, so many chuckles and also condolences on Craig, I didn’t know but still visit his best of list monthly.
Looking forward to the “Sodomy Saves” public health campaign!
Of course God has a since of humor....he made us in his image.
Could've put a period after "us."
Indeed. I also could’ve spelled sense properly.
God has the best sense of humour.. I realised that when I was about 9 years old riding home from school on the bus and saw from the window, a very clumsy, chubby, uncoordinated puppy waddling around on his own in someone's yard playing with something. It was the best choreographed piece of slap-stick comedy I had ever seen. And even the melancholic child that I was, I burst into gales of laughter. That is when I realised God invented funny.
If God doesn't have a sense of humour then this is probably hell. And I guess my sin was laughing too much when I read the Darwin awards.
I often imagine dying, and getting to the Afterlife and seeing God on his big throne and falling to my knees and begging him not to send me to Hell, and he looks at me and says, "Hell? You just came from there, Buddy."
This is the wisest thing I've read on substack ever.
Also, I too recommend not reading the news. I stopped on January 7, 2021 (that timing is not coincidental) and my life is the better for it.
...and you just got through quoting Groucho Marx saying "funny is enough". Should we now conclude funny is the best we can hope for? Actually, I find that hopeful!
When we are called we are called. Ideally, I will be healthy and say, 92 and choke on a piece of challah because I was laughing so hard.
I'll die of matzo-induced constipation. One day, BOOM.
Some of the funniest conversations I have ever had were with the mortician who helped bury most of my family...and those conversations happened right after the deaths. I'm still holding him to the "10th one is free" offer. And he knows my last words will be "Shit, that didn't work like I thought it would."
Convulsive laughter causes the shits. Excuse me, gotta get to the can. My 5-year old daughter, from the backseat, was heard to say, "This booger is black! I'm not eating this."
"You'll eat what we give you, young lady!"
I read an article the other day that said outdoor lighting can increase the risk for Alzheimer’s. Like, streetlights and illuminated signs. So now not only can I not go out at night anymore, I can’t even pick my nose while I’m stuck inside? At this point, is there anything even worth remembering?
Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimers."
Boy: "What's that?"
Grandpa: "What's what?"
Weirdly it took me fifty years to arrive at this exact same (foetal) position… Tragedy had shoved my head so far up my own arse I could see my prostate enlarge - even though I don’t have one!
I avoid the sorry news which is unavoidable, and whenever I hear the latest spew from trump I guffaw!
Tangential but not: The other night a friend mentioned how much rage she still has, after many years, over being shat on by her family. I couldn't stop laughing. Thankfully, she understood and found it both validating and funny. Because what the heck?
I'm sorry about Craig, really. Dying from dentures, though, is a riot. '
They're not going to tell us that the cure for heart disease is canceling all news subscriptions, but I'm onto them.
It does come to this, especially during election season.
"None of this is to suggest you should read the news. Please do not. The entire industry is rotten to the core, and it is a plague upon our minds and souls."
Whatever happened to "Just the facts sir/ma'am/...etc."? At least facts can be funny, or ironic, pundits not so much.