What People Who Use Phones or Laptops in Coffee Shops Without Headphones Can Possibly Be Thinking
- That everyone else on Earth has fucking died.
- That they are fascinating, despite all evidence to the contrary.
- That when God in Genesis 1:28 said, “Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground,” he was speaking specifically to them. To Sheila and Eddie, at the counter at Joe’s Coffee, in West LA, in 2024.
- That we are all secretly relieved to have had our one goddamned moment of peace and quiet disturbed by their impossibly awful music.
- That we all woke early, showered and hurried over here just to find out what happened between Mark and his girlfriend, and why, indeed, Babygirl gotta be like that.
- That watching “Rick and Morty” makes them seem edgy.
- That though we may all be scowling at them, deep down inside we are filled with admiration for their unfathomable rudeness.
- That just before they came in at 7AM, the rest of us were sitting about wishing someone would let us know what the latest death count in Ukraine was.
- That once sound waves reach their own ears, they cease any longer to be sound waves and simply dissipate into the atmosphere; it’s not that they’re self-centered assholes, you see, it’s just a basic misunderstanding of the laws of physics.
- That we aren’t all imagining shoving their phones into their gaping maws and watching them slowly asphyxiate to death while the news report they were watching continues to stream from their throat. “This is CNN.”
- That we all think their demon spawn children are as delightful as they do.
- That they aren’t living, breathing examples of the devolution of the species and the inexorable decline of civilization.
- That, in the case of teenagers, we aren’t thinking horrible things about the utter failures they call parents.
- That they are bringing joy to the world by force-sharing the lame joke made by the middling late-night TV show host about the same politician they made the same joke about yesterday. “Share! Share, people, in the low-brow topical humor I find so delightful!”
- That the table they are at in the center of the café (and they always sit at the table in the center of the café) is enclosed in a magical Cone of Silence.
- That their funny friend is funny.
- That when we leave, we marvel in hushed tones at whatever inane job their mind-numbingly dull Zoom meeting was about. “Wow, she’s in SEO Maximization!” “I know - AND SHE WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE!”
- That if they should finally leave, and walk out the door, and because of the loud shit they’re listening to on their phones are unable to hear the blaring horn and squealing brakes of the oncoming city bus, we won’t all cheer the sickening crunch of the impact. And if the bus then veers out of control and t-bones one of those sports cars with loud, open exhausts, well hey - things are looking up all over.
Yours in the Fetal Position,
S.
illustrations by Orli Auslander
I remember when cell phones had only been around for a year or two (way before they could stream music or video content), there were people who would have phone conversations in public. And because they were receiving a special call on something called a cellular phone that was new, they decided that possibly the cellular phone did not know what a phone call was. This made it necessary to talk IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS like a grandpa might text someone when texting started later on. You might be in the subway, in a cafe, boarding an airplane, or just walking down the sidewalk. And right next to suddenly someone would be absolutely shouting into their new cell phone with utmost urgency and ferocity.... "OH YES, I WILL MEET YOU LATER ON TONIGHT. IS THAT STILL GOOD FOR YOU?!!!
I just remember thinking ...this is the beginning of the end of normal and nice things for humanity.
I am rude enough to approach those paragons and ask them why they think all the rest of us want to share in their Zoom (phone, TikTok, etc.). I’d say that has about a 60% success rate. The failures have not (yet) included any violence, but I’m a 4’11” 65 year old woman, so that may make a difference.