Whatever Happened to Good Old-Fashioned Diarrhea?

WARNING:

Users of this cellphone may experience anxiety, depression, gloom, angst, sadness, tension, worry, anguish and malaise. Repeated use will cause repeated use; in short order, you will find yourself terrified of leaving home without it; if you do leave home without it, you will return home in a panic to get it. You will long to at last be free of it, but break out in a cold sweat upon misplacing it. “How did it come to this?” you will wonder. “Didn’t we once live happily without this? What happened to the life we lived before?” Caution: That life is now gone.

Use of this device may result in overwhelming desire to photograph yourself. Users report extreme narcissism, followed by mild-to-moderate scoliosis. “I’m suing,” you’ll say. Warning: The manufacturer is lawyered up. Warning: The manufacturer owns the politicians. Warning: The manufacturer bears no responsibility for these crippling emotional and physical impairments.

Warning: The manufacturer bears no responsibility whatsoever.

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WARNING:

The social media platform you have joined will likely result in your adoption of extreme political views. Many users report sudden belief of ludicrous conspiracy theories. Repeated use may result in loathing, jealousy, anger and xenophobia.

Extended use may cause racism and/or a seething, generalized misanthropy, which will in turn result in hate, violence, war and darkness upon the face of the Earth.

Keep the fuck away from children. Children exposed to this platform will not have normal lives. They will not have lives at all.  One day they will grow up, look back on the wasted years they spent upon it and demand to know why you allowed them to do it. You will have no answers. Warning: They will choke you to death in your sleep. Warning: You will deserve it. Warning: The manufacturer bears no responsibility for this destroyer of life.

Warning: The manufacturer bears no responsibility whatsoever.

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WARNING:

The Artificial Intelligence you are employing will forever destroy the line between fact and fiction. Please be advised that the ability to manipulate reality plays into the hands of fascists bent on world domination. Continued use may result in the death of art, literature, music and all we as spiritual beings hold dear. Use of this will result in the loss of millions of lower and middle-class jobs. Warning: The manufacturer bears no responsibility for this destroyer of reality, and shouldn’t. You are using it of your own free will. You are a fool. You are doing their bidding. This is on you, asshole.

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WARNING:

The chip you have implanted in your brain may control your thoughts, attitudes and emotions. You will recall that which never happened and forget that which did. May result in your being the puppet of a deranged morally bankrupt billionaire sociopath.

Warning: We are living in a tech-nerd’s wet dream, which will be a nightmare for all mankind. The boys who picked on Elon were right.

Warning: The chip you willingly implanted in your brain will auto-delete the last few sentences as it is programmed to remove all dissent.

Warning: There will be no more warnings.

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I miss diarrhea.

Yours in the Fetal Position,

S.

illustrations by orli auslander