49 Comments
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BayPoodle's avatar

This is the best paid subscription I have. Totally worth cutting down on purple lollipops to afford it.

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Blanche Boyd's avatar

This is hilarious and smart. Thanks!

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Su Terry's avatar

Utterly brilliant, and I'm glad you're not my doctor.

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R.C.Oliver's avatar

I think it’s important to deal with the anxiety with art like this because there’s nothing to be done about the yellow lollipops. The doctor knows best. Or is that father? What if a priest went to medical school? Is he Father Doctor or Dr. Father now? Does he still have yellow lollipops in the waiting room? Would more of us go to church if the wafers were purple and not yellow ish? But the path diverging in the woods promises no lollipops so we stay at the doctor’s office. Don’t we? Anyway I loved loved this piece.

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Mark Monaghan's avatar

That was the best fucking newsletter I've received all week. Thank you.

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Theater Is Hard.'s avatar

Love this. Even the lollipop people find a way to fuck us.

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brian pelton's avatar

holy bovine. how does your writing keep getting better? it is abi normal, i tells ya! thank you, shalom. you are a constant source of encouragement, even though i know for a fact that constants aren’t and variables won’t.

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Carol Johnson's avatar

You always hit the nail on the head. You speak for us, my friend.

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Lisa Thorell's avatar

“We also have stickers. Some are of cute kittens and some are of trains. We are out of the cute kittens.”

This sentence makes me wonder: If Auslander were hybridized with Wes Anderson, what unique form of cinema would be created in the world?

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Shalom Auslander's avatar

Dunno, but pretty sure Wes dies at the end.

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Lisa Thorell's avatar

Undoubtedly, as he is too twee for thee. (Taurantino and Herzog would still be fighting to the death mid-hybridization.) Looking forward to the next fetal position.;-)

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David Perlmutter's avatar

Much better than most of their captions...

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Mike Riskind's avatar

Hilarious!

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Warthog's avatar

Thank you for explaining why you don't write New Yorker cartoons by writing a New Yorker cartoon. I have a request; could you write why you don't write speeches for politicians?

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Shalom Auslander's avatar

Convicted or awaiting sentencing?

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Jan McLaughlin's avatar

ALL the levels of funny!

That you and Orli exist helps me get through every day.

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Laurie King's avatar

What? No orange lollipops?

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Shalom Auslander's avatar

THERE ARE ORANGE LOLLIPOPS?????

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Sharron Bassano's avatar

Fake news.

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Toni Brayer's avatar

Love this entire thing. Perfect.

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Amy Axler's avatar

Appreciate the lollipop intel, and can confirm the truth of it.

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