I just asked my daughter if she wanted to stay up till midnight on New Year's Eve, something she's never done. I have no desire to do so but thought it might be exciting for her if we made a night of it, movies and popcorn, that kind of shit. She said, “Nah, I don't really care about New Year’s Eve.” Perfect. I gave her a big hug and thanked her for not making me stay up past ten.
She already claims to have no interest in social media. She told me, not that I needed to be told, that most kids spend all their time on TikTok, even when they're hanging out in person. She thinks that is ridiculous. However, she's only eleven. I hope she stays away. I am nearly certain that social media would destroy her. She has been cursed with my fragile mental health, the signs of which are becoming more apparent now, so …
Protect her at all costs. My little girls who do not and will not have smartphones or social media are going to need other humans who are able to converse face to face with other humans. If you know any boys like this, grab 'em too because I would like grandchildren someday.
If only we could weaponize your brilliant writing, we could save the world. What would you say to the IDF, Biden, Netanyahu, MBS, MBZ, Trump, the Nazi’s on Substack to have them join you in that fetal position? That would give me hope for 2024....! Thank you for sharing your gift even though you and God are having a tough time. :)
I love your every fucking word, Shalom Auslander. Whatever shit 2024 dumps out (and it’s coming, woo hoo is it coming), I remain so much more than grateful for your company-in-writing.
New Year’s Eve always feel a bit awkward isn’t it? Expected burst of joy without knowing why.
Maybe joy and relief for just being alive. Having reached the end of year milestone without having been killed by cancer or a car accident or a terrorist or a bomb. Just silly stupid joy. Time is flying by but I am, you are, we are still there to witness it...
I am usually the designated driver, have to keep a bit more sober than the rest of the family who usually drown in alcohol their anxiety in the face of how tragic and absurd this whole conundrum of being is, and get completely wasted.
I kind of like it. The cold night, the darkness after the lights of parties and fireworks, my husband blurbing incoherent words of love beside me in the car while I focus on not killing my entire family on the way back...
From my puzzled human heart to yours, I wish you and your family an advanced Happy New Year. May it provide you and many others with this invaluable capacity for the warmest dark-humor.
Your feature image is sobering. It made me think of a photo I have of my family from a Christmas dinner 9 years ago. Except on my photo the red labels would read: DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, and ESTRANGED. A lot can happen in short periods of time.
NY glitter is like all the ads for Activities While Ageing. Everyone grinning inanely like demented chimpanzees while careering over sand dunes with an idyllic partner and dazzling teeth, busily hiding arthritic hips, cataracts, permanent nausea, a failing heart, crumbly teeth, incipient cancer, and not enough dosh.
I admire your writing here and I have read your books. I, too, am a writer on substack. Have you noticed Margaret Atwood's letter regarding Nazis on the platform? Would you consider joining with writers such as myself in telling management to take the Nazis off and keep the other writers on?
And then night fell, and we grew hungry, and I went online to look for a nearby restaurant. There weren’t many choices, for which I was grateful (if you find yourself being driven mad by the relentless options capitalism demands for its own survival, check out The Paradox of Choice, by Barry Schwartz - not surprisingly, there are now a lot of books about the paradox of choice, so you have to choose which book about choice you’re going to read)
My line in the sand is avoiding a direct meteor strike, so I get this.
Even without having inherited some DNA from a Jewish orphan who landed on our island with escapees of the Massacre of Chios, (and adopted by an ancestor), with you 100/100. My whole family too.
Hasn't it always been thus? When examined closely the mystical golden age of our forefathers looks more and more like flaky yellow paint (lead paint too) that hindsight and the present despair have slapped over the true state of things back then. Just like our ancestors did in their time.
At least we have nicer toys to play with nowadays, and usually a longer and more functional life to enjoy them through.
Not sure why I enjoy reading your writing. Catastrophising is all very well (a frightfully ugly word) and I dislike that character trait. However, you have such a lively, succinct and fast-paced style; it turns this negativity onto its head. Humor at its best and most mysterious. Well done!
I just asked my daughter if she wanted to stay up till midnight on New Year's Eve, something she's never done. I have no desire to do so but thought it might be exciting for her if we made a night of it, movies and popcorn, that kind of shit. She said, “Nah, I don't really care about New Year’s Eve.” Perfect. I gave her a big hug and thanked her for not making me stay up past ten.
Children are our only hope. One day she'll look at you and ask what a "tweet" was and why people used to care so much about them.
She already claims to have no interest in social media. She told me, not that I needed to be told, that most kids spend all their time on TikTok, even when they're hanging out in person. She thinks that is ridiculous. However, she's only eleven. I hope she stays away. I am nearly certain that social media would destroy her. She has been cursed with my fragile mental health, the signs of which are becoming more apparent now, so …
Protect her at all costs. My little girls who do not and will not have smartphones or social media are going to need other humans who are able to converse face to face with other humans. If you know any boys like this, grab 'em too because I would like grandchildren someday.
A girl after my own heart. 😊
If only we could weaponize your brilliant writing, we could save the world. What would you say to the IDF, Biden, Netanyahu, MBS, MBZ, Trump, the Nazi’s on Substack to have them join you in that fetal position? That would give me hope for 2024....! Thank you for sharing your gift even though you and God are having a tough time. :)
Not dead yet, kiddos. That’s the best we can do sometimes, and, frankly, didn’t expect that to be the case.
I love your every fucking word, Shalom Auslander. Whatever shit 2024 dumps out (and it’s coming, woo hoo is it coming), I remain so much more than grateful for your company-in-writing.
And I in yours for reading them, Judith.
New Year’s Eve always feel a bit awkward isn’t it? Expected burst of joy without knowing why.
Maybe joy and relief for just being alive. Having reached the end of year milestone without having been killed by cancer or a car accident or a terrorist or a bomb. Just silly stupid joy. Time is flying by but I am, you are, we are still there to witness it...
I am usually the designated driver, have to keep a bit more sober than the rest of the family who usually drown in alcohol their anxiety in the face of how tragic and absurd this whole conundrum of being is, and get completely wasted.
I kind of like it. The cold night, the darkness after the lights of parties and fireworks, my husband blurbing incoherent words of love beside me in the car while I focus on not killing my entire family on the way back...
From my puzzled human heart to yours, I wish you and your family an advanced Happy New Year. May it provide you and many others with this invaluable capacity for the warmest dark-humor.
I love this!
Your feature image is sobering. It made me think of a photo I have of my family from a Christmas dinner 9 years ago. Except on my photo the red labels would read: DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, and ESTRANGED. A lot can happen in short periods of time.
I'm sorry, Kristi, and I know this isn't what you want to hear, but "DEAD, DEAD, DEAD, ESTRANGED" is way funnier than what I wrote.
Lol it is, isn't it? 😁 If it makes you feel better, two of the deads were dogs.
No need to apologize. I have a knack for finding humor and silver linings.
NY glitter is like all the ads for Activities While Ageing. Everyone grinning inanely like demented chimpanzees while careering over sand dunes with an idyllic partner and dazzling teeth, busily hiding arthritic hips, cataracts, permanent nausea, a failing heart, crumbly teeth, incipient cancer, and not enough dosh.
Hope despite the chaos. Thank you.
👍👏🙏
I admire your writing here and I have read your books. I, too, am a writer on substack. Have you noticed Margaret Atwood's letter regarding Nazis on the platform? Would you consider joining with writers such as myself in telling management to take the Nazis off and keep the other writers on?
Next week's post.
Adam Carolla says his New Year's Resolution is for everyone else to get their shit together. Same.
I loved this bit the most:
And then night fell, and we grew hungry, and I went online to look for a nearby restaurant. There weren’t many choices, for which I was grateful (if you find yourself being driven mad by the relentless options capitalism demands for its own survival, check out The Paradox of Choice, by Barry Schwartz - not surprisingly, there are now a lot of books about the paradox of choice, so you have to choose which book about choice you’re going to read)
My line in the sand is avoiding a direct meteor strike, so I get this.
Even without having inherited some DNA from a Jewish orphan who landed on our island with escapees of the Massacre of Chios, (and adopted by an ancestor), with you 100/100. My whole family too.
Here’s to bidding goodbye to 2023.
Sounding the alarm, while also remembering to keep calm and carry on.
Hasn't it always been thus? When examined closely the mystical golden age of our forefathers looks more and more like flaky yellow paint (lead paint too) that hindsight and the present despair have slapped over the true state of things back then. Just like our ancestors did in their time.
At least we have nicer toys to play with nowadays, and usually a longer and more functional life to enjoy them through.
Indeed. And we also have Yelp to remind us.
I find this a much healthier attitude than endless kvetching.
I'm terrified of what's to come but this was a great read.
Whatever it is, we'll find a way to laugh through it. Or die trying.
Not sure why I enjoy reading your writing. Catastrophising is all very well (a frightfully ugly word) and I dislike that character trait. However, you have such a lively, succinct and fast-paced style; it turns this negativity onto its head. Humor at its best and most mysterious. Well done!
He’s all the Marx Brothers, mashed into one person, with some existentialists as seasoning.